7.29.2003

I ate the whole bag.

Yesterday a fifty-two pound bag of rye berries (the key ingredient for shrooms) was accidentally delivered to my apartment and, since it was signed for by one of my roommate (because she didn't read the fucking CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT!!!!) it is now ours. What the bloody fuck is going on? I'm at a loss. I'm ordering some crab rangoon. If any of you haven't had this, find a chinese place near you that has them and try some, they're awesome. Mmmm...

7.25.2003

ahem...

flounce1 (flouns)
n.
A strip of decorative, usually gathered or pleated material attached by one edge, as on a garment or curtain.

tr.v. flounced, flounc·ing, flounc·es
To trim with a strip or strips of gathered or pleated material.

[Alteration of frounce, from Middle English, pleat, from Old French fronce, of Germanic origin. See sker-2 in Indo-European Roots.]

flounce2 (flouns)
intr.v. flounced, flounc·ing, flounc·es

1. To move in a lively or bouncy manner: The children flounced around the room in their costumes.
2. To move with exaggerated or affected motions: flounced petulantly out of the house.
3. To move clumsily; flounder.

Okay, I wanted to start with a definition. The key to this entry is the word and action "flounce" (specifically the third meaning of the second definition, in fact disregard the strip of fabric thing). As I mentioned before, I think, I am now living in an apartment on the
Upper East Side of Manhattan. I am living with two girls, one of which is the subject and reason of this update.
Her name is Flouncy the Tart, let's say. She is/was an actress/model. At this moment, she is flouncing around the apartment deciding what clothes she's going to bring to Neverland. For those that don't know, Neverland is Mr. Michael Jackson's private home/amusement park. How she got the invite? Well, she says that some guy who got the invitation just couldn't go and gave it to her. My thoughts on how she got it? She went to bed with this guy and she took so much of his stain into her system (mouth, vagina and anus) that he felt she had earned a door prize. But I'm looking at the small picture, let me let you in on the big picture of why I am slandering this actress/model/anal feind...(here comes the laundry list) She's never here, when she is she's complaining that the place is a mess because it hasn't been cleaned since the last time she made the fucking mess, she owns a cat who is never fed by her because she's never here, she brags about things that just aren't true, she's a starfucker, literally, she does massive amounts of drugs (coke, E, pot, who KNOWS what the fuck else), she's an idiot (although I can blame that on breeding), she's British, she's messy, she's dirty, she's a whore, she is utterly helpless, she slurs her words terribly (making the whole British race sillier in my mind), she bursts into the apartment (once every week) to make a mess, change her clothes, do a line, SPEAK IN BABY TALK TO HER FUCKING CAT ALTHOUGH NOT GIVING IT ANY FOOD OR ATTENTION, FLOUNCE around muttering that her life is SOOOOO tough because she can't find her other $900 pair of shoes because the first $900 pair of shoes is TOO last week to be seen where she's going (which is usually to bed with someone famous so she can feel important), she has over her friends (as vacant as the library in her hometown) and they ALL flounce around the fucking place making a mess, doing drugs, talking on their cell phones, LEAVING MY GODDAMN DVD'S ALL OVER THE PLACE, she finishes food that isn't hers, she doesn't buy food that anyone else wants then offers it freely, she uses a WHOLE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER every time she goes into the bathroom, SHE ATE MY SALT AND VINEGAR PRINGLES AND DRANK MY FUCKING VANILLA COKE! and finally...she shaved her pubic hair OVER THE BATHROOM SINK, DIDN'T CLEAN IT OUT, THEN FUCKING LEFT HER RAZOR IN THE CUP I KEEP MY TOOTHBRUSH IN!!!!!!! One of the very worst things she has ever done, however was convince me that she doesn't like this lifestyle she's leading. Little did I know that as she was saying this, she was ready to head out for a week or two of casual sex with dirty stars, drug use and flouncing. One of these days, she's going to be in company worse than usual and then she's probably going to be raped or killed or just allowed to flounce in front of a bullet train on a weekend jaunt to Tokyo or something. The novelty of living with an actress/model has worn off. If anyone would be interested in killing her and moving in, just let me know. Rent's good.

7.01.2003

Guess who's not dead...

Forget it, it's me, I'm not dead. I'm here. Where is here you might ask? My new apartment on the upper east side. I'm all in except for a few little details. I'm living with two random chicks; Melissa (late 20's, 6'1, British, model, was in James Bond's Goldeneye) and Andrea (early 20's, less than 6'1, Jerseian, was in a Girls Gone Wild DVD Mardi Gras 2001). Yes, I know what you're thinking:...Actually, no I don't, I really have nothing. Nevermind. Sorry to be so presumptuous. God, I'm such an asshole. Eh. Uh. Done. I am a human head.