1.31.2004

Just to let you all know, I answered all your questions and the answers are hidden under my original request for questions. I apoligize for fucking EVERYTHING up. (Kaitlyn's smary commect____________________). Thank you.

The 13th Question

The last question asked of me by Will is as follows:

13 - If they had a sing-off, both doing "Kiss", who would win, Prince or Tom Jones? Could Michael Jackson and George Michael be hired as judges?

My answer is as follows:

"13. Michael Jackson, no since he's in court because the cops found that secret shrine to Macauly Culkin. George Michaels? Yes, he's on his way. As for the actual events? The first verse would start off neck and neck, Prince sticking with his guitar/drum machine back up and Tom Jones with his brass band. Then, at the start of the second verse, Tom would start using his sexy howling voice, seemingly knocking Prince for a loop. Prince sticks with his lovesexy formula throughout the second verse while Tom is improving and winking at the ladies. By the start of the third and final verse, it looks like it's all over for Prince; he is still just strumming his guitar while Tom Jones has unleashed his pelvis, killing almost everyone in the audience. Tom is slick with the sweat of victory as the final chorus approaches. He has given his all and vanquished the enemy, he decided to spend the last thirty seconds of the song thanking the remaining members of the audience who hae not been killed by his pelvis and were simply left blind and jabbering. Then, the fabric of space and time is splintered as Prince rises from his seat, his guitar bursting into flames as his clothing begins to emit a light purer than the sun and he commences shirking the final chorus. The sweat cooling on Jones skin begins to heat back up, 27 seconds, he starts to sing, but his voice doesn't have a chance against this tornado of sex, 23 seconds, the sweat begins to sting Jones' skin, Prince continues to destroy reality with his final chorus, 18 seconds, the glory of Prince's voice ignites the sweat on Jones' body, 15 seconds, Jones begins to scream, but not the lyrics of "Kiss, no, 10 seconds, how can one being exist on such a sexy level of this or ANY universe? 7 seconds, Tom Jones is broken down to his protons, electrons and neutrons and then he is scattered across time, 4 seconds, the light Prince emits is now too much to handle, luckily the remainder of the audience, blind and staggering from Jones' crotch has long been absorbed by this being of pure sex, they are now part of the Collective Lovesexy, they have done more than see the light, they have become part of it, lucky bastards, 3 seconds, Prince senses that he is alone, not just in the auditorium, but in the universe, he has done is again, he has vaporized everything with his true being, he sees the swirls of atoms that used to be the audience, Jones, Michaels and knows what to do, 2 seconds, everything ceases, the light goes out, the shriek cuts off like a hot love knife into hot sexy butter, there is nothing, 1 second, the last second, the first second, alpha and omega, we hear one word spoken softly, yet with every feeling ever experienced by man, one word echoes throughout the empty halls of existence and being and nothingness and anit-matter and every unformed heart of man and beast and the heart of God Himself tremble with the promise of that word: kiss. It has begun."

From the heart, people, from the heart. I hope I answered all of your questions. I will do my best to construct some questions for y'all. And Jade, where's the Aussie batch? I need me some Tim Tam flavored inquiries.

1.30.2004

Don't you all think the fact that I'm a 6'8 homo-superior isolates me from you unevolved homo-sapiens enough already? ASK ME MANY QUESTIONS! THE TOTEM PAUL DEMANDS THE SACRIFICE OF INQUISITION!!

Christina's Questions

1.What do you fear most in life?
Being hugged by fat sweaty people...and getting proximity erections.

2.If you had to choose between fucking Jon Linnel or Crispin Glover, who would you pick and why? (you’re the catcher for at least one round)
Well, since you told me I HAD to answer, Crispin Glover because Linnell is straight. He's married and has a kid, but Crispin, I get that "I've fucked men in the ass before" vibe from him, so I have a feeling that he'd be gentle. And perhaps, laying there in our post anal coitial fluids he and I might sing a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walking". Plus, his skin is just so smooth. For future reference, I do not find any male artists attractive sexually. I used to think, maybe Trent Reznor, but after learning about how much of a procrastinator he is, I'd be afraid of getting lethargy and distraction on my penis, my beautiful, beautiful, gleaming Robbie Williams penis.

3.Phil or Will: Who scares you more and why?
Philip, Will and I share a small part of our brains that most people aren't even aware of. Because of this fact, we all scare each other, love each other and fear each other in the exact same amount: quite a bit. All three of us can appear completely "balanced" at any point in time, but at any second, that little node in our collective consciousness could twinge and *boom*, catastrophe. It's hard to explain.

4.If you had to live one place besides New York City, where would it be and why?
I'd live on the coast of an ocean somewhere. On a cliff. See in New York, I am always surrounded by people and if the stress ever gets to me and I have to kill my self, I have yet another stressful decision to make: the method of mine own demise. By the time I decide to run up to the roof and throw myself off, I've become distracted by a Twinkie ("Tell him about the Twinkie...") but, if I lived on a seaside cliff; I could just sprint through my plate-glass doors and be done. Boom. Duckman.

5.If you were a drag queen, what would your drag queen name be, what would you wear, and what would be your act?
My name would be the Glorious S. or the Glorious Ess. S is sexy, sensual, secretive and sassy. Ess is essential, in all senses of the word. I would wear long, black, elegant evening gowns that cost no less than $10,000. I would sing sad, aching love songs and consider myself the reincarnation of every beautiful woman who lived from 1920 to 1930. I would not let anyone see me during my transformation. I would go in as Paul and emerge as the Glorious S. Men would want me because I have a decade worth of lust inside of me but I would not give them a second glance for I also have inside of me an entire decade worth of heart splinters from all the trauma and tragedy. I'd make men nut in their pants...more so than I do now.


Jade's Answers To Christina's Questions For Paul

1. Sock Monkeys
2. LINNELL!!! He freaks me out, but I'd totally do him, any day of the week
3. Phil. Because he's so damn swarthy
4. Sydney, because it really is the most incredible place ever made
5. I don't know. I'd wear some kind of skimpy maraboo number that exposed my adams apple and I'd do something that displayed my awesome flexibility and juggling skills


Will's Questions

1 - If, hypothetically, while wandering through the woods, you came up to a huge mound of dirt; and if, hypothetically, this huge mound was warm, especially near a gaping hole in it; and, hyphothetically, if this hyptothetical hole had fire shooting out of it, would it be proper to jump up and down on this mound? To throw tanks of gasoline at it? To record it?
Yes, yes and yes. Also, I would take time searching for discarded palm fronds that would make the fire bigger and more dangerous.

2 - Is there any sound in the world more terrifying than a coyote when you have French Silk pie smeared all over your face.
The sound of Sunir becoming aroused mere inches from my pie smeared face. And conversely, the most arousing sound is that of three men standing in a shower trying to eat a French Silk Pie and then giving up and smearing it all over each other. By the by, I need copies of those pics, I lose mine way back at the start of my freshman year.

3 - Do you think I'm rooting for Phil or myself on that felching question?
I know that if one enjoyed it, the other would demand it.

4 - You have dated a woman who has stayed in your hemisphere for multiple years. I am 3 months away from pulling the opposite hemisphere shit all over again. What do you say about THAT, motherfucker?
Maybe this felching thing just became more real? I'm not sure... Didn't we discuss showering AT LEAST every ten days? Oh and don't mention me til the wedding night, and then don't stop mentioning me.

5 - Everyone else seemed to do five questions. I will mess with them by inserting a comment. Ha ha!
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Look to the night sky and tremble!

6 - I am investigating your freak paranormal abilities. Who do you like in the Super Bowl, and by how much? Note: it is considered cheating if you ask anyone who is playing. Nuther Note: I'll give you 1/2 of what I earn in Vegas if this work.
I have seen in my tablets that the team from the most North shall triumph. I'd say by at lease 14 points. It is written, so it shall come to pass. I have spoken.

7 - You say there is plenty of work for me in NYC. What work? Does it involve felching? Does it involve beating up homeless men?
I am building a rocket. And as far as felching and brutalizing homeless men, that's what the weekends are for. What do you mean WHAT.

8 - What do you mean, what? I had to put that in there.
I honestly finished answering the 7th question before reading the 8th. And by "what" I mean which thing or which particular one of many.


9 - As you have gotten older, have your music tastes: evolved, ripened, festered, sweetened, or fled?
All of the above. Whereas I used to leave the radio on for days at a time, now I have my dozen or so bands I follow religiously/fanatically/obsessively and I cannot stand the radio, unless it's They Might Be Giants on NPR. I am on the look out for new stuff, but the novelty wears off as soon as I hear that one of the dozen might possibly have an album coming out in the next 3 years. To be accurate, I still love Cake, Nine Inch Nails, TMBG, Prince, Marilyn Manson and eels, just like in high school, but now the loving has deepened. I enjoy more music than just that, but a concert of any of the above would overtake any interest in any other band. I have not added any other favorites although I have broadened my spectrum a bit. I am happy in my niche. Good one.

10 - Is that...a dead baby? A dead...dog baby?
Only if you walk, fully clothed, into the pool, think all Black people are from Africa, spend Saturday mornings walking around on the roof with a leaf blower making sure leaves don't pile up there and assert the reason Jews don't eat meat and dairy has something to do with plates.

11 - Please properly punctuate the above.
Looks like a dead...baby. A dead...dog baby...


12 - Why hasn't your huge ass picked up filled, hopped across that measily Atlantic and come to visit me yet?
Lack of money. And Phil was sleeping. And Vovo wouldn't wake him up.


13 - If they had a sing-off, both doing "Kiss", who would win, Prince or Tom Jones? Could Michael Jackson and George Michael be hired as judges?



Kaitlyn's Questions

1. What would you do if Chris found out she had Shrinkitis and over the course of a year was going to whittle down to three feet tall?
I would continue to grow taller, as is the natural order of things.

2. Denise is in love with you. How does that make you feel?
Moist.

3. Phil or Will: who would you rather felch and why?
Phil, because he keeps his anus VERY clean, also, Will is a hairy man and if I'm going to felch, I don't want to have to floss first. Unless you meant to use the word "fletch"...

4. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I can't reveal that yet. I will someday, on my death bed or in my suicide note or something.

5. If it came down to it and the opportunity was there, would you fuck Prince?
Seriously, maybe. Maybe I'd just touch his penis. I am answering this without having read Possessed: The Rise and Fall of Prince yet, so I might change my answer based on the book. I'll let you know.


Denise's Questions

1. Have you ever had Joggers Nipple? Are you sure?
I have no idea what that is, but since I don’t jog, I'll just say probably not.
2. If you could only use 3 words in the English language (a verb, a noun and an adjective) what would they be?
Dig, dude, lovesexy. If the question were extended to include adverb, exclamation, gerund and participle...totally, fuck, rocking, funkified.

3. The country’s grape soda supply has been exhausted. What do you do?
Turn back to Vanilla coke or Sprite or Snapple Lemon Ice Tea, all previously abused beverages for me.
4. What character (from a book or movie) do you feel you most resemble? Why?
Wow, excellent fucking question Denise. Part of me wants to answer the BFG from the book of the same title because part of me is indeed a Big Friendly Giant. Although part of me also feels like the Author from Edward Gorey's The Chinese Obelisk. From the start of the story, he sets off and wanders through the day with a dreadful sense of doom hanging over his head. At the end of the story, he is crushed by a falling urn. I feel like that.
5. What do you feel is the biggest misconception women have of men?
That we're all big and strong. In reality we are crying all the time.

1.29.2004

Best breakfast et al.

I think four Eggo waffles, micro waved so they are totally scalding and porous covered in butter and Log Cabin syrup (so that shit soaks in) and a big ol' glass of chocolate milk is the best bomb way to start the day. Also amazing: Crepes (made by my sweet crepe making bitch) and French toast and anything encompassing bacon ("The food of joy." - Sarah Vowell) and cheese. Lunch? Hmmm...tougher, since there is more stuff universally "lunch" than universally "breakfast", but here goes. I believe some sort of club sandwich either turkey, bacon (food of joy), lettuce, tomato and mayo or chicken, avocado, bacon (joy) or something along those lines. With grape soda to drink. Always with grape soda to drink. Dinner? At this moment I am inclined to say McDonalds or pizza or great Chinese or something, but who knows. I always dig the stuff that Chris cooks. The procedure is this: Pre, during and post cooking Chris says it sucks, it's shitty, it tastes like nothing or shit-flavored nothing etc., but I always flip over it. I don’t know if she's fishing for compliments or really getting down on her cooking. All I know is that if I like her "shitty" cooking, I need to have some "very good" food. So, hey, I'LL fuck Mark if he'll make me something scrumptious. I got this feeling he wants to climb the Totem Paul. Back to the food, we should find out if mufungo will be one of our favorite foods. The plantains and potatoes weren't a problem, but where do we find salt fucking pork? We need to get on this. Foods anyone?

1.28.2004

One last note...

Denise, remember that you are not dying...it's just weed. Smoky, remember that you might not be dying but your brain cells are.
Pot names for Denise the Butcher and Tyler Durden: Denise the Butcher of Mallomars and Denkhound McWantsrich. Thoughts? BURNOUTS!

mind fucking

What comes to mind when you hear..
..snow?:tree
..rain?:wet
..tornado?:Oz
..summer love?:Grease
..Jon?:Stewert
..Mike?:Higgins
..Shea?:John
..banana?:tom jones
..dizzy?:lizzy
..Laura?:Palmer
..Juan?:Juan
..car?:horn
..white?:you
..peppermint?:patty
..New Found Glory?:fag
..placebo?:band
..orange juice?:oranges
..candid camera?:dom deluis
..sister?:sister
..brother?:yo
..hate?:Nazi
..school?:LHPS
..President?:Carter
..football?:fag
..rap?:wu
..pop?:tart
..rock?:stone
..punk?:you
..sex?:prince
..death?:rock!!
..baby?:schnooky
..duuude?:bill
..the end?:beck

1.27.2004

Tequila? No thanks, I'll just stab myself in the scrotum then get inthis violently spinning room.

Webster's English dictionary defines 'tequila' as 'An alcoholic liquor distilled from the fermented juice of the Central American century plant Agave tequilana.' I think that's just great. Although it should be noted that the secondary definition, not listed in the dictionary is as follows 'the urine of Satan, Prince of Darkness'. The question is asked: Why in Heaven's name would anyone drink the urine of the Lord of Flies himself? In my case, because I am an idiot. And a slow learner too. Either way, I won't be sucking Satan's pissknob again for a while. I mentioned this to Kady who said it was my Birthday and I had the right. But then I thought about that and came to the conclusion that a party should not be a reason to drink. Honestly, I don’t think there is a good reason, except maybe if you lost a bet and had to have sloppy sex with a really ugly chick. But I have never lost or even made a bet with that shuddering fate as the stakes, nor do I plan to. Anyway, my point, which I'm just going to jump to, is that I don't think people should have excuses for doing stuff at parties. To need an excuse means you did something you are ashamed of and need to make up for. I think regret is a shitty thing. Whatever, we should start celebrating stuff like Tuesday, Wednesday, the first week of April and shit like that. Life needs to have more parties and less regrets, and no tequila. Because Satan's wastes should be flushed down the toilet, not consumed by me.

On a more something topic, my Birthday was made magical by some great people who are really the only ones who read this journal. The pictures are excellent and I believe the more indecipherable ones should be posted and have essays written about them. That's always fun. I'm rambling. I'm distracted. I'm tall. Jade just updated her journal with a bunch of really nice stuff about things we've done, objects we've destroyed, Gun Shows we've bought tickets for, etc. Remembering is wonderful. I hope to put up my top 20 albums some time soon. I have to leave for work in twenty minutes. I talked about dragons today. I reminded Kady to bring Playstation 2 controllers and cookies home. Dee Aponte is avoiding me. $86.00 is Dee's Ignorance Tax. I have to pay for the fact that she's an idiot. Whatever. My neck hurts less and the absence of pain is amazing but it's not all gone so it's not totally amazing, like the Space Ghost DVD, I need to finish watching that. I have to show that one to Christina. We're glad glad glad glad that you're a glide. I should eat some thing. Peanut butter jelly time. I hope the snow kills my boss and all my co-workers so I don’t have to. Being frozen is much easier to deny being a part of than chopping them all into small pieces and freezing them in my freezer. Maybe I'll have Eggo's.

15 minutes. Big smiles people, BIG SMILES. Huge bright blinding smiles. Then eat the shit of those more powerful than you, that’s right, KEEP SMILING, now say you like the taste, yes, you do, believe it, smile, chew, swallow, keep it down, smile, repeat. It's odd that smile and smell are so close. And did you know that the actual definition of "mortified" means to be in a state of decomposition brought on by death? Shit, all those haughty old British ladies were really dead. I can't be too surprised though, they probably have dust in their wrinkles.

12 minutes. Time speeds us as soon as your sophomore year of college begins. One time I took 16 Robotussin gel caps right before bed just to see what would happen. I woke with a stomach ache the next day. It's really cold and Dee is still avoiding me. 10 now. I should be getting my keyboard in March. Then I can write songs and put them on the Internet. I want the things I want to happen to happen faster. Now in fact. Nothing. You make a normal request and that powers that be shit silence on you. Well, fuck you powers that be, have some tequila.

1.17.2004

elitism/The Golden Teat of the Goddess of Victory/A Very SpecialMessage for Christina

Two things for this frigid Saturday…the first, something that only a few of you will *dig*, the next, well there isn’t a whole lot of *digging* to do, so just *read* it.
So, first, the wonderful elitism I feel sometimes. This is owed, in part, to four things (technically, three people and one genetic occurrence): First, the elitism I feel being a fan of They Might Be Giants. I owe that to Dr. William Pomerantz. In 1998, he mentioned he was going to see a They Might Be Giants’ concert. I thought the name sounded familiar, and it did, from their little jaunt on Nickelodeon’s Tiny Toons where the creators of the show had animated two of their songs, “Istanbul, Not Constantinople” and “Particle Man” two of their most well-known tracks from their most well-known album, Flood. Will informed me that they were a band and had been since the early 80’s. I was interested and a week before their concert Will lent me all their CD’s. It was a lot of material to absorb, but when the concert rolled around (in March of ’98) I was rocked and enjoyed it thoroughly. Since then, I have been a rabid fan, sharing that rabidity with only Will, Jade, Matt and a few scarce others. Granted, I have spread the music of TMBG to quite a few people who have taken to it like ducks to bread, but never to the sick extent that I have taken it, which I suppose is a good thing. Anyway, back to the elitism. In my high school, there were only three fans of TMBG, Will, Aaron Gunn and me (through Will). Aside from that? None that were at their first concert in Florida 5 years. What does that say? Nothing. Simply that I was enjoying something that hardly any other people enjoyed or even knew about. I brought this sick love of TMBG to college with me. In my four years there, I found three more people that really enjoyed TMBG. High school was one thing, that was Florida and no one there like anything that isn’t Country music or deep fried, but here? In New York City? Wow. I am one of the select few that know about the sheer joy of They Might Be Giants’ music. And that makes me feel special. Makes me feel unique. Make s me feel elite. So Will was the first.
Will turned me on to a band that has a very small, very rabid fan base. But then this second person (who I actually met at a TMBG concert, making her a very special friend indeed) has turned me on to something quite a bit bigger than TMBG and quite a bit smaller. This special friend is called Jade. And she lives in the former island penal colony for pickpockets and thugs…Australia. She turned me on to the entire continent of Australia, which I truly hope to visit someday once I’ve wrapped myself in plastic to prevent being eaten/attacked/poisoned/stung by ten of the world’s ten most deadly spiders, seven of the world’s most deadly snakes, cute but poisonous duck-billed platypi, cute but violently moody koalas ( I still have the newspaper clipping that Jade sent me about how one jumped down from a tree, unprovoked, and tore a woman’s ear off), ugly but lethal crocodiles, bloodthirsty but bloodthirsty great white sharks and a slew of unevolved animals that would not hesitate to destroy me utterly. The other thing she turned me on to was a band called TISM. As far as I know, it is only known in Australia and to those Outsiders who have been to Australia. This band is beyond description. From what Jade has told me there are twelve members of the band or so and they always perform in masks so no one knows who they are. Their songs address such topics as pre-destination, apathy, the fact that when you’re 25-30 years old, you only have “40 years then death”, Hitler as a scatophile, the fact that you’re only five yards from a fuckwit (one of the best things to come out of Australia is the word “fuckwit” and, thankfully, it only sounds cool coming out of an Aussie), even if you’re the last person on Earth (“be there none left on Earth but you, one thing will still remain true)” and more fun stuff. Jade has been totally rocking from the moment I met her to this very second. Two years ago she found out my Birthday was on the 25th of January on the 20th and flew over for my Birthday pajama party. She also accompanied me to Harvard and Amherst to meet Phil and Will where I proceeded to lose her in Boston in February wearing only a skimpy “whore dress”. There was a night at Harvard that involved spiced rum and chesty-bonts of which we can never speak again and a champagne party at Amherst where nothing but silk touched my skin. In my senior year of college, Jade lived in my dorm for a whole month and became enraged when her vodka-filled watermelon was tapped without her being there, which is understandable. Jade has also introduced me to a plethora of Aussie goodies that many of you will never enjoy…again making me feel super-elite. And I lot of people have friends in other continents, but they all suck, especially when compared to Jade.
Then there’s Phil. He taught me the definition of “lovesexy”, “swarthy”, “ooterus” and then redefined them all. He also taught me it’s okay to be cruel as long as you look good. Also, he brought me to the Gates of Hell and back again safely. I chased him with a mace, he directed me in my best performance ever…as both Uma Thurman and her boyfriend, Richard Ratcliffe. He hit me in the face with a French Silk Pie, I served hors d'oeuvres at his New Year’s party and vomited Mimosas. Slap and tickle…pain and pleasure. Phil was willing to send all of us to jail just to spite one fat little man who now has a faggy little goatee and the greatest work of film ever created.
Phil is the voice in my head that tells me to do bad things and Will is the voice that tells me how I can do them worse and vice versa. Being in their presences is, to quote Dr. Gonzo “OCH! Just OCH!”
And then the genetic occurrence…I’m really tall. The root of the word “elite” is the Latin “eligere”, meaning “to pick out, to choose”. My height enables me to be “picked out” of a crowd easily. Now the Latin root of my name “paulus” means “small”, making my very self a contradiction. To quote Walt Whitman, “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes).” Again, a reference to my immensity. Also, I believe that I am a demigod and the next step in human evolution. So between Will, Jade, my own dementia, various other elite aspects of my life, my support from Walt Whitman and the Romans and the fact that They Might Be Giants are having a concert on my Birthday this year…I really shouldn’t be in touch with any of you but I suppose I must build a strong base of friends so I can climb your bloated corpses to the top after the world has evolved and only myself a few tall demigods are left.

And now, The Golden Teat of the Goddess of Victory.
After writing all that shit that’s meaningless to most everyone but Phil, Will and Jade I’m just going to jump right to the point. Almost exactly 23 years ago…a demigod was born. I was that demigod. A few days ago, I had an audition for a Nike short film (which, in the business means a long commercial basically). The day after that, I was brought back in for a call back. I met the director, took some direction and shot the shit (as it’s called in the business). The day after that, I was told that I had been booked for the short film (booked is another ‘in this business’ term). This project shoots tomorrow, a week from my Birthday. I’ll find out more about where you can see this, but hopefully I won’t need to, you’ll just see me before the next Harry Potter movie on the big screen, being as beautiful as a bean can be. I am now Baby Kermit the Frog and Chuck in the Nike short film “Speed”. My assumption is that this is either going to be on the Net at Nike’s web site like the now-famous BMW films or, as I inferred, before movies in the theatre. Hopefully the latter because the residuals would be SO sexy. That’s about it.
And now a final chapter in this entry:
While I was updating my journal, my girlfriend, Christina came in and asked what I was doing. I told her I was updating my journal. She asked if she was in it. I said no. She said she was NEVER in it. So, unlike some sort of Lucy/Ricky thing where she will dress as a character in the alphabet so I will input her into my journal, I’ll end this right now. CHRISTINA IS GREAT. SHE HAS A PROFOUND EFFECT ON ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE. SHE IS WARM AND FUN AND IF SHE EVER INSERTS HERSELF INTO MY JOURNAL LIKE THIS AGAIN, I WILL MENTION HER ONE MORE TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE. There you go, Cum Bunny. That’s all people, nothing else to see here, go on home.
P.S. Out of curiosity, I spell checked “fuckwit” and the two suggestions were “bucket” and “folkway”. I feel that both of these words should, from this point, be used as insults.
P.S.S. If any one would like to go to the TMBG concert with me and most likely Chris and Gia, buy a ticket for the 9:30 show. For more info, go to http://www.joespub.com/joespub/pub_nowplaying.html and then go to January 25th on the calendar.

1.07.2004

You all get gold stars...for laziness and hyperbole...

Well, well, well…I guess the poor babies who work 9 to 5 jobs aren’t SO bored they can’t help me define these words, now are they? Welly, welly, welly, I guess now some people will just HAVE to stop talking about that aspect of their lives altogether, now won’t they? Wellity, wellity, wellity, boogerface though I might be…I am also the incinerating light of truth that illuminates the good in your souls (except for Kaitlyn, whose soul I claimed earlier) while at the same time destroying the evil in them. How true is this final statement? Very. Oh yes, so very true. You can taste the truth between your tongue and frenum can’t you? You like it…yeah truthful…aw yeah…eat the validity of my statement…
Anyway, since you lazy slagbones weren’t bored enough to write dictionary entries, perhaps you will be more inclined to read dictionary entries… http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/a.html this link will lead you to “The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce. He was a contemporary of Poe’s and had a rather troubled life at the end of which he went insane and disappeared like Keyser Soze. He is much funnier than Poe, as you will see. “Eat and grow fat on my blessings for one day I shall eat them back out of you.” –Guido M. Paparazzi

1.05.2004

Would anyone care for some cheese with their whine...you fucking sissybabies?

It has come to my attention that many of my close personal acquaintances have jobs where they do nothing all day but sit behind a desk, whine about how much their lives suck and get paid cash money to “surf the Net”. Although my first instinct is to kill you all, I am not going to obey my first instinct because, as my therapist says, “Your first instinct is always to kill, don’t follow it.” So, in the interest of all of you shutting up about how you make sooo much money for doing noooothing all day and it’s sooooo boring just cashing these checks and taking company cars to casinos and to buffets and ow, the bacon on this avocado, chicken and seasoned mayonnaise club sandwich cut my gums, I am going to do my damndest to have something on the Lizive Jizournal every goddamn day in efforts to cork your collective cry-hole.
To start you off, there’s a guy named Edward Gorey, he’s dead. When he wasn’t dead he was like Poe but only if Poe was illiterate and could only draw things. The following words were used in a piece he did called “The Chinese Obelisk”. Try and use any of the…less familiar…?...terms in your everyday life…possibly at your life/soul/mind sucking day jobs? Hmmm? And see just how much of an asshole you are considered:

“Yeah Judy, I think the coffee machine breaking down on Monday was the last piacle I can handle. I’m burning this fucking building down.”

“I can’t believe I came in to work today! I have a temperature of 102! Well, I guess I’ll just rely on that febrifuge and suck it up even though I’m ONLY getting like seventeen dollars an hour. I wonder if anyone’s updated their Live Journal…”

“Grag! I am so sick of the copy boy’s accismus! He told me yesterday he’d love to put whipped cream on my frappe and I thought I was in for sure, but then he came back an hour later with a frappe…covered in whipped cream! What the heck, Liz, you know? Maybe he loves a-the cock.”

Just a few fun fun examples of how you could possibly use these. Incidentally, I have planned the opening ceremony of my 23rd Birthday party: It shall take place on Saturday the 24th of January at the Hooters around 57th and 7th. From there? Who knows, but there’s a lot of people on the guest list. Here we go:
Alan
Allyson
B.J.
Belle
Christina A. (Joe)
Christina B. (Paul)
Dave (Christy)
Denise
Gia
Giancarlo
Ginny
Heather (Boy)
Hillary (Boy)
Jen
Jenn
Jon
Josh
Kady
Kaitlyn
Kathy
Kerry
Lauren (Ray)
Len
Lisa (Mark)
Maura
Marco
Marlena (Will)
Megan
Mike (Alex)
Pete (Barbara)
Rachel
Ruth
Ryan (Marielle)
Sara (Bill)
Sarah (Jason)
Shelly
Taryn (John)
Taylor
Todd
Trevor


That there is what the philosophers call “the ideal”; See, ideally, these fifty-four people will arrive at Hooters during the vespertine hours of January 24th, but I’m sure there are some people who don’t like other people on this list and, if you feel I like you more than them, come to me and we’ll find out, although if you do come to me and I don’t talk to you again until after my Birthday…it turns out I like them better, at least in a party setting anyway. Concordantly, if there is anyone or ones you think I have overlooked, let me know, if they are added to this list, I agreed with you, if not, you will not hear from me until after my Birthday.
Expected: 54
Predicted: 14 (6 of which will not stay the whole night for some stupid reason or another)
Note please that Hooters is just the start of the evening and I have yet to create the rest of the turmoil, but I will because that’s what I do. I will keep this list as close to the “real” as possible. Also want to add a list of people I wish could come but most likely can’t because of some sort of spacial discrepancy (although that’s not a very good excuse):
Jade
Leah
Phil
Will
All right, on with making you all less bored. Along with the defined words, you’ll find some that are not defined, bonus not-bored points if you can break out a dictionary and define them. Injoi:

archipelago
A large group of islands: the Philippine archipelago.
A sea, such as the Aegean, containing a large number of scattered islands.

cardamon
A rhizomatous Indian herb (Elettaria cardamomum) having capsular fruits with aromatic seeds used as a spice or condiment.
The seed of this plant.
Any of several plants of the related genus Amomum, used as a substitute for cardamom.

obloquy
Abusively detractive language or utterance; calumny: “I have had enough obloquy for one lifetime” (Anthony Eden).
The condition of disgrace suffered as a result of abuse or vilification; ill repute.

tacks
A short, light nail with a sharp point and a flat head.
Nautical.
A rope for holding down the weather clew of a course.
A rope for hauling the outer lower corner of a studdingsail to the boom.
The part of a sail, such as the weather clew of a course, to which this rope is fastened.
The lower forward corner of a fore-and-aft sail.

The position of a vessel relative to the trim of its sails.
The act of changing from one position or direction to another.
The distance or leg sailed between changes of position or direction.
A course of action meant to minimize opposition to the attainment of a goal.
An approach, especially one of a series of changing approaches.
A large, loose stitch made as a temporary binding or as a marker.
Stickiness, as that of a newly painted surface

Ignavia

samisen
A Japanese musical instrument resembling a lute, having a very long neck and three strings played with a plectrum.

bandages
A strip of material such as gauze used to protect, immobilize, compress, or support a wound or injured body part.

wax
To increase gradually in size, number, strength, or intensity.
To show a progressively larger illuminated area, as the moon does in passing from new to full.
To grow or become as specified: “could afford... to wax sentimental over their heritage” (John Simon).
Any of various natural, oily or greasy heat-sensitive substances, consisting of hydrocarbons or esters of fatty acids that are insoluble in water but soluble in nonpolar organic solvents.
Beeswax.
Cerumen.
A solid plastic or pliable liquid substance, such as ozocerite or paraffin, originating from petroleum and found in rock layers and used in paper coating, as insulation, in crayons, and often in medicinal preparations.
A preparation containing wax used for polishing floors and other surfaces.
A resinous mixture used by shoemakers to rub on thread. A phonograph record. Something suggestive of wax in being impressionable or readily molded

gavelkind
An English system of land tenure from Anglo-Saxon times to 1926 that provided for the equal division of land among all qualified heirs.

turmeric
A widely cultivated tropical plant (Curcuma domestica) of India, having yellow flowers and an aromatic, somewhat fleshy rhizome. The powdered rhizome of this plant, used as a condiment and a yellow dye. Any of several other plants having similar rhizomes

imbat

cedilla
A mark ( ¸ ) placed beneath the letter c, as in the spelling of the French word garçon, to indicate that the letter is to be pronounced (s).

cassation
Abrogation or annulment by a higher authority

hendiadys
A figure of speech in which two words connected by a conjunction are used to express a single notion that would normally be expressed by an adjective and a substantive, such as grace and favor instead of gracious favor.

quincunx
An arrangement of five objects with one at each corner of a rectangle or square and one at the center.

vanilla
Any of various tropical American vines of the genus Vanilla in the orchid family, especially V. planifolia, cultivated for its long narrow seedpods from which a flavoring agent is obtained. The seedpod of this plant. Also called vanilla bean. A flavoring extract prepared from the cured seedpods of this plant or produced synthetically

corposant
An electrical discharge accompanied by ionization of surrounding atmosphere

madrepore
Any of various stony corals of the order Madreporaria, which includes the reef builders of tropical seas

ophicleide
A keyed brass instrument of the bugle family with a baritone range that was the structural precursor of the bass saxophone and was replaced by the tuba in orchestras.

paste
A soft, smooth, thick mixture or material, as:
A smooth viscous mixture, as of flour and water or of starch and water, that is used as an adhesive for joining light materials, such as paper and cloth.
The moist clay or clay mixture used in making porcelain or pottery. Also called pâte.
A smooth dough of water, flour, and butter or other shortening, used in making pastry.
A food that has been pounded until it is reduced to a smooth creamy mass: anchovy paste.
A sweet doughy candy or confection: rolled apricot paste.
A hard, brilliant, lead-containing glass used in making artificial gems.
A gem made of this glass. Also called strass

jequirity
The seed of the wild licorice (Abrus precatorius) used by the people of India for beads in rosaries and necklaces, as a standard weight, etc

tombola
(British) a lottery in which tickets are drawn from a revolving drum

sphagnum
Any of various pale or ashy mosses of the genus Sphagnum, the decomposed remains of which form peat.

distaste
Dislike or aversion

aceldema
“field of blood” A place with dreadful associations. In the New Testament, a potter's field near Jerusalem purchased by the priests as a burial ground for strangers with the reward that Judas had received for betraying Jesus and had later returned to them.

lunistice
The farthest point of the moon's northing and southing, in its monthly revolution.

yarborough
A bridge or whist hand containing no honor cards.

cranium
The skull of a vertebrate.
The portion of the skull enclosing the brain; the braincase

febrifuge
A medication that reduces fever; an antipyretic

ampersand
The word ampersand is a conflation (combination) of "and, per se and". Per se means "by itself", and so the phrase translates to "&, standing by itself, means 'and'". This was at the end of the alphabet as it was recited by children in old English schools. The words ran together and were associated with "&". The "ampersand" spelling dates from 1837.

hubris
Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance

geranium
Any of various plants of the genus Geranium, having palmately divided leaves and pink or purplish flowers. Also called cranesbill.
Any of various plants of the genus Pelargonium, native chiefly to southern Africa and widely cultivated for their rounded, often variegated leaves and showy clusters of red, pink, or white flowers. Also called storksbill.
A strong to vivid red.

opopanax
An odorous gum resin formerly used in medicines

thunder
To emit with noise and terror; to utter vehemently; to publish, as a threat or denunciation.

dismemberment
To cut, tear, or pull off the limbs of. To divide into pieces

baize
An often bright-green cotton or woolen material napped to imitate felt and used chiefly as a cover for gaming tables.

hellebore
Any of various plants of the genus Helleborus, native to Eurasia, most species of which are poisonous. Any of various plants of the genus Veratrum, especially V. viride of North America, having large leaves and greenish flowers and yielding a toxic alkaloid used medicinally

oleous
Oily

cartilage
A tough, elastic, fibrous connective tissue found in various parts of the body, such as the joints, outer ear, and larynx. A major constituent of the embryonic and young vertebrate skeleton, it is converted largely to bone with maturation

maze
A wild fancy; a confused notion. [Obs.] --Chaucer.
Confusion of thought; perplexity; uncertainty; state of bewilderment.
A confusing and baffling network, as of paths or passages; an intricacy; a labyrinth.

antigropelos

piacle
A heinous offense which requires expiation

occamy
[A corruption of alchemy.] An alloy imitating gold or silver.

whistle
To produce a clear musical sound by forcing air through the teeth or through an aperture formed by pursing the lips.
To produce a clear, shrill, sharp musical sound by blowing on or through a device.
To produce a high-pitched sound when moving swiftly through the air: The stone whistled past my head.
To produce a high-pitched sound by the rapid movement of air through an opening or past an obstruction: Wind whistled through the cracks in the windows.
To emit a shrill, sharp, high-pitched cry, as some birds and other animals.


maremma

accismus
Affected refusal; coyness.


badigeon
A cement or distemper paste (as of plaster and powdered freestone, or of sawdust and glue or lime) used by sculptors, builders, and workers in wood or stone, to fill holes, cover defects, etc.

epistle
A letter, especially a formal one. A literary composition in the form of a letter. Epistle Bible.
One of the letters included as a book in the New Testament.
An excerpt from one of these letters, read as part of a religious service

quodlibet
A theological or philosophical issue presented for formal argument or disputation.
Formal disputation of such an issue.
Music. A usually humorous medley.

catafalque
A decorated platform or framework on which a coffin rests in state during a funeral. Roman Catholic Church. A coffin-shaped structure draped with a pall, used to represent the corpse at a requiem Mass celebrated after the burial

hiccup
a. A spasm of the diaphragm resulting in a rapid, involuntary inhalation that is stopped by the sudden closure of the glottis and accompanied by a sharp, distinctive sound.
2. hiccups also hiccoughs An attack of these spasms. Often used with the.
1. The sound made by such a spasm or a sound resembling it

remorse
The anguish, like gnawing pain, excited by a sense of guilt; compunction of conscience for a crime committed, or for the sins of one's past life.
Sympathetic sorrow; pity; compassion

idioticon
A dictionary of a peculiar dialect, or of the words and phrases peculiar to one part of a country; a glossary.

gibus

botargo
A sort of cake or sausage, made of the salted roes of the mullet, much used on the coast of the Mediterranean as an incentive to drink.

divorce
The legal dissolution of a marriage. A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.

phylactery
Judaism. Either of two small leather boxes, each containing strips of parchment inscribed with quotations from the Hebrew Scriptures, one of which is strapped to the forehead and the other to the left arm; traditionally worn by Jewish men during morning worship, except on the Sabbath and holidays.
An amulet.
A reminder

gegenschein
An exceedingly faint roundish or somewhat oblong nebulous light near the ecliptic and opposite the sun, best seen during September and October, when in the constellations Sagittarius and Pisces. Its cause is not yet understood.

clavicle
Either of two slender bones in humans that extend from the manubrium of the sternum to the acromion of the scapula. One of the bones of the pectoral girdle in many vertebrates

sago
A powdery starch obtained from the trunks of certain sago palms and used in Asia as a food thickener and textile stiffener

bellonion

thurible
A censer used in certain ecclesiastical ceremonies or liturgies

aphthong
A letter, or a combination of letters, employed in spelling a word, but in the pronunciation having no sound

plumbago
Same as Graphite.
(Bot.) A genus of herbaceous plants with pretty salver-shaped corollas, usually blue or violet; leadwort.

amaranth
Any of various annuals of the genus Amaranthus having dense green or reddish clusters of tiny flowers and including several weeds, ornamentals, and food plants. Also called pigweed.
An imaginary flower that never fades.
A deep reddish purple to dark or grayish, purplish red.
A dark red to purple azo dye.

rhonchus
A coarse rattling sound somewhat like snoring, usually caused by secretion in a bronchial tube.

pantechnicon
A depository or place where all sorts of manufactured articles are collected for sale.

hymn
A song of praise or thanksgiving to God or a deity.
A song of praise or joy; a paean.

diaeresis
(Gram.) The separation or resolution of one syllable into two; -- the opposite of syn[ae]resis.
A mark consisting of two dots [[umlaut]], placed over the second of two adjacent vowels, to denote that they are to be pronounced as distinct letters; as, co["o]perate, a["e]rial.

purlicue

sparadrap
A cerecloth. [Obs.]
(Med.) Any adhesive plaster.

whim
A sudden or capricious idea; a fancy.
Arbitrary thought or impulse: governed by whim.
A vertical horse-powered drum used as a hoist in a mine

cicatrix
A scar left by the formation of new connective tissue over a healing sore or wound.

salsify
A European plant (Tragopogon porrifolius) having grasslike leaves, purple flower heads, and an edible taproot.
The root of this plant, eaten as a vegetable.

palindrome
A word, phrase, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward. For example: A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
A segment of double-stranded DNA in which the nucleotide sequence of one strand reads in reverse order to that of the complementary strand.

bosphorus
A strait or narrow sea between two seas, or a lake and a seas; as, the Bosporus (formerly the Thracian Bosporus) or Strait of Constantinople, between the Black Sea and Sea of Marmora; the Cimmerian Bosporus, between the Black Sea and Sea of Azof.

narthex
A portico or lobby of an early Christian or Byzantine church or basilica, originally separated from the nave by a railing or screen.
An entrance hall leading to the nave of a church.

betrayal
To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against: betray one's country.
To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the Romans.
To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause; betray one's better nature. To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a secret. To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh betrayed her contempt for the idea. To reveal against one's desire or will. To lead astray; deceive.

chalcedony

phosphorus

ligament

exequies

spandrel

chandoo

gehenna

etui

anamorphosis

glue

wapentake

orrery

aspic

mistrust

ichor

ganosis

velleity

dust