Addendum...

I just took a closer look at the "wedding" page and noticed that Blake and Michelle plan to name thir first child Bort. This is why she gets a journal entry, people.

A Moment for Michelle

Now I know we all make a lot of fun of Canada, but much in the way Ginny redeems the whole nation of Britain for me after that useless spam-purse Melissa took away all the glamour, this here friend of mine does the same for Canada.
The first time I knew of Michelle was in my 9th grade Honors English class (taught by Mr. Jakubisin, a crazy nut in all respects of the word) on “poetry day” where that redneck fuckwad Matt Dukes brought in some Clint Black lyrics or something really stupid like that. I had brought in a clip from “The State”, namely “Fragments” and a recording of “This Poem Sucks” by Michael Myers from So I Married An Axe Murderer. There was this new girl in the back and when she rose to read her selection (James Whitcomb Riley’s “Little Orphant Annie”) I noticed that on the line “An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you e’f you don’t watch out!” she said “out” as “oot”. At first I thought…”oot? What the hell is that?” And then I realized…”Whoa…she’s Canadian…cool.” At that point in my life I had yet to meet and Canadians and the fact that there was one in Orlando, Florida? It made no sense to me. Her and I got to know each other through the Debate (where the smart ones went) and had many misadventures with Seth and Aaron. Some which must be recounted now:
Once, on a Debate trip to some place, Michelle and Katie Reid came into my hotel room and smeared Marinara sauce (from our cheese calzones) all over the toilet in my bathroom in the hopes it would look like menstrual blood.
Another time when Michelle had just gotten her driver’s license and took me to Best Buy to pick some CD’s up and I kept screaming “WATCH OUT!” and the like to try and get us killed; later that same day I remember her entering a one way street from the wrong end and being very frightened.
I remember when her and Aaron and I played Truth or Dare and she made me kiss Aaron. Another time when her and Aaron and I played “What Body Part Am I Touching?” And yet another time when we all stayed up making a really shitty project for the school Physics Fair. Fucking worthless Lego, defying the god damn Laws of Physics.
There was the time her and I saw the X-Files movie and burst out laughing when the Well Dressed Man came into the room and said “I’m sorry I am late…my grandson broke his leg.”
Then there was the first time she visited me in NYC. I met her at the bus station (she had taken the 4 am to 7 am bus) and she told me she had upchucked Raman on the bus. She had a sad pride in the admission and it was priceless. The next time she visited NY she arrived with Aaron and we all had fun except for the fact that the pot use was ruining Aaron capacity to remember our wealth of in jokes and such.
That trip was the last time I saw Michelle and recently I looked her up on-line and found a picture of her at some conference, looking smarmy. I was about to call her when I found out that Aaron had just called her after a long period of time and I thought that would be too strange. So anyway, at this moment, Michelle is planning to get married to an ex-DJ named Blake. However…I happen to know this is a sham marriage. And Michelle did a very clever thing: she sent me the wedding web page letting me know the where and when so I can crash it. Excellent. Road trip anyone?

Here is her picture and don’t think that the red eyes are an effect of the camera, see Michelle is a vegetarian (who has started eating fish) so she has demons inside. That’s aboot that. Oh, and here is the "wedding" web page. www.blakeandmysh.ca Please send Ramen, Kraft Mac & Cheese and rat food.

Funk Master Me

God damn. What a funky day. So I was jerked from my dream featuring Katrina and Katie Reynolds (who had aged to look JUST LIKE HER MOTHER and who had become a real estate dealer) to my phone beeping at 6am. Why? Because today I was to suckle from the swollen teat of the Coca Cola Company. I headed out before the sun was up (fuck you all, it was really creepy) and trained to Brooklyn. I headed for Spectrum (the disco from Saturday Night Fever). I sat for hours enjoying AMAZING FOOD from Kraft Services and finally, after a delectable lunch I was called for on the dance floor. Long story short, I danced on the same floor that John Travolta danced on 30 years ago. I caught a Coca Cola Light and hit the fucking pose. It was one of the most amazing days of my short life. I also made a few friends that hopefully you will all meet. Pete took pictures and hopefully we will get some. Amazing day. Also, I am digging most of the Tweaker album, so you can all stop worrying. Now, I am off like fruit from a tree.

And fuck the guy who created html.

BUSY FUCKING WEEK. Full of ups and downs and etc. I shot the NBA thing last week, went to my first fitting for the Coke thing on Saturday, then rehearsal for it on Monday plus another fitting later that day, I shoot on Thursday and then Saturday I go into rehearsal for the next reading of Women of Athens (this musical that's cool), same with Sunday and then Monday, one more rehearsal then the reading at 3 p.m. at the NYTW. I also found out the Coke commercial WILL NOT be shown in the U.S., but rather Spain and Portugal only. Hm. Well...if I ever move to Spain or Portugal I am set as far as pussy and Coca Cola Light. The shoot tomorrow is at Spectrum (the club with the lighted dance floor used in Saturday Night Fever). I get to hit the Travolta "pointing at the sky" pose. Aw yeah. In the past week, I picked us the Fifth Element DVD (thank you again, Alan) and the Hudson Hawk DVD (thank you Paul). Kaitlyn was forced to watch Fifth Element and didn’t like it. So I hate her MORE, if that’s possible. Yesterday I picked up the new Tweaker album (which I was REALLY looking forward to) and at this moment, less than 24 hours after my purchase, I am very disappointed. Hopefully it will grow on me like disco fungus. I am ready to leave my job at the Roundabout Theatre now, and all I need is to secure a part time position at the hospital. Once I do? Oh boy...I have never been able to burn a bridge for real before...I think I might like this. Alright, I'm going to buy Usual Suspects on DVD now because A) as of right now, I am in the money and B) buying things makes me feel like I've achieved something and therefore makes my feel less useless. YEAH! YOU CAN KILL MY BODY BUT MY SOUL IS ALREADY DEAD! WOO! ...dot...

As I walked down the street today, I passed a small child. For just a moment, I thought it was a midget and I had the brief, delicious image of three midgets walking towards me, minding their business and suddenly, I grab each one in turn under the arms, lift them to my face and bellow "HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!". That kept me grinning all fucking day.

Knives out...

"My name is Prince and I am funky."
I submit, for everyone's* consideration, a challenge to propose the best Prince lyric, ever. Hurt me...

*"everyone" will most probably include myself, Rev. Philip Wiliiam Fortes Tucker and Dr. William James Paul Pomerantz VII, but I would love to be surprised...

In a zip lock bag...in the freezer...

Hey, so at the urgings of people, I have decided to put this up on live journal (not that the other two people that read this won't find out eventually). Last week I got a call from my agent and was informed that I had booked not only one commercial, but two. The first shot yesterday and it was a promo spot for the NBA finals. I played a rocker and this was the most fun I have ever had. When the commercial is shown (around June) you’ll all know what I’m talking about.
The other commercial is for the new Coca Cola Light (the European version of Diet Coke- that tastes much better apparently- coming over to America soon). That is going to be in production from the 17th to the 23rd and I don’t know when it will air. But I WILL be disco dancing and that’s all anyone needs to know.
One of the best parts of this is that my bud from Fordham (who is also with my agent) got the Coke commercial too. So we are going to bust a move 70’s style AND get mad fat cash for it. THIS IS THE AMERICA I WAS PROMISED.

Can you think of anything softer than clouds? If so, I don't want to hear about it...

"Rosebud...I mean...SCHWING!!"

Never before have I actually been happy about that spring forward, fall back thing until last night. It was 1:58, then 1:59, then, BOOM, 3am. Granted, that made it only a little less hellish, but I will take what I can get. I gave Phil a call in Miami and charged the rather large bill to the hospital, but I’m okay with that. We spoke of may things…we figured out what animals we would be, then, finding that way too easy (it took about 3 minutes) we decided to figure out which historical/political figures we are. In the end, we decided that Will is a Golden Retriever or a St. Bernard, trustworthy, sleek, helpful, and very hairy. Phil was a jungle cat, something slinky and dark and swarthy, very swarthy, a puma or jaguar or lynx or panther, you dig. I myself was a duck-billed platypus. No explanation necessary. As far as the political/historical figures, we figures I was the Roman Emperor, Caligula, who, aside from making his horse his chief advisor, would also take swims in a pool filled with little boys would were instructed to nip his naked body like small fish while he was in it. Again, no explanation necessary. We discussed Cardinal Richelieu for Phil but couldn’t make up our minds. We then debated about Will for awhile eventually agreeing that he was far too nice to be an actual figure from history, so we were trying to figure out which mythical figure from American history he best resembles. We never actually nailed it down, although William Tell was a forerunner. Along with that interesting little moment we also discussed which of us will die first and why. VERY enlightening. Then there was this:
***
1:38 AM 4/4/04
So, this is weird. Every late night/early morning shift I have at the Hospital, there’s this guy, Jardine, I think his name is, who pokes his head around the corner of my switchboard and gives me this sly, knowing look as he hands me a Styrofoam cup full of ice. Yeah. A Styrofoam cup of ice. Nothing else, just ice. See, that would be a little odd but for that knowing glance he gives me. As if he’s saying, “Oh…you know…” or “Yup, another shift, another cup of ice…” And sometimes I wonder if he would be angry to know that as soon as he leaves the room, I always throw it out. I don’t think I’ll ask him.

3:09 AM 4/4/04
I have three problems with “Purple Rain” (the movie and the music). First, no one ever makes ANY comments whatsoever on how he is dressed and secondly, people are always saying that he’s a terrible musician because his songs make no sense to anyone but him. That’s just not true. They are all very straightforward songs. Then the song “Darling Nikki”: it ends on a such a sad note like he’ll never see her again, but he clearly says, “I woke up the next morning, Nikki wasn’t there, I looked all over and all I found was a phone number on the stairs, it said ‘thank you for a funky time, call me up whenever you want to grind’. He can call her anytime, so why is he so bereft? I guess he’s just a sensitive, sexy, easily upset man. Hm.
***
And! I got my snazzy new t-shirt yesterday. You should have SEEN the jealousy I was getting from all the playa haters. But, I told them what I always do, "don't hate the playa...stop acting like goddamn cavemen...EVOLVE, FOR THE EMPEROR NEO CALIGULA COMMANDS IT!" Caligula don't take no shit...from no one, except my advisor, Barrington also known as the Vice Emperor Bersy Boo.