1.24.2007

God's got his finger in my ass...

1.24.07
5:55 PM
When it comes to bad days, I tend not to mark them down as such.
I let it pass and, occasionally reflect, fuck, that was a bad day.
Every once in a while though, there is a day (or series of days) SO bad that the events on said day(s) etch themselves into my mind so deeply that I am forced to reflect upon them.
Yesterday and today have been such days.
Some background:
Christina and I have stopped looking for an apartment.
We stopped looking about a week ago when her and I, working on a tip her friend Jen gave us, we walked into a place in her building out in Long Island City.
There was a paint splattered man who was surly until he found out we were Jen's friends.
Long story short, this place was perfect. 2 bedrooms, quiet and safe neighborhood with one and a half times the space (it even had 2 fucking closets!!!!) for just $54 more than what we are paying now.
We put in the application and everything seemed perfect.
We had found our new home.
Then:
Yesterday I was contacted and informed that our app was rejected.
I informed the lady (who was helpful and friendly throughout) that we love the apartment and was there any way we could get it?
She said if we were able to pay the yearly rent up front, we could have it.
In other words, if Christina and I could come up with $18,336 and change, we could have it.
I told her I was going to call her back in thirty minutes.
In those thirty minutes I called my father, Chris called her grandmother, aunt and cousin.
Between the five of us, we had the total.
My father, who spent over 40 years in real estate, suggested I find out if the owners of the building will take the first six months rather than the whole year, which was quite a lot of money, even dispersed unevenly among five people.
I called the lady back and asked her to ask them.
She said she would get back to me today.
Around 3ish, I call her (proactive one that I am) and she informs me that the owner will not accept the year's rent because this is a stabilized apartment and does not want to be obligated to renew a lease for people whose application was rejected.
So, the apartment was to be ours only if Chris and I borrowed thousands of dollars from our respective families, and then that was taken from us as well.
Along with this apartment shit, Chris has her own thing jump up ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY and earlier today I was told by my agent that some theatre company was offering me a part in a New York/New Jersey tour of Doctor Doolittle: The Play for a nice chunk of change only to find out a half hour later that they were looking for A DIFFERENT Paul.
Wrapping all this diseased feces up in a nice shit tortilla, tomorrow is my Birthday.
People, say good bye to me now, because if these things come in threes, I will probably get cancer and then burn to death in a horrible electric fire tomorrow.
Aside from a handful of horrific eye memories, this is, without hyperbole, the worst couple of days in my life thus far.
Congratulations go out to all those who wish me ill.
Whatever blood you're using, it works.
Invest in whatever brand of black magic candle you just used.
Cackle maniacally.
Enjoy.
I will post what sort of cancer I have tomorrow as long as my fingers have not been sheared off by some piece of malfunctioning machinery.

1.18.2007

Nothing propinks like propinquity

1.18.07
1:29 PM
I know how everyone loves my bitchy stories about the idiots I work with and that is why I continue to relate them to you via the Internet. This is, as it has always been, for you.
In my feverish fuckrants you have heard about children dying under very suspicious circumstances, dead bodies being misplaced and frail pre-corpses wearing pajamas, bright yellow “do not let me out of this facility” bracelets and with gaping, whistling holes in their throats walking right out of the place, and, of course, a cavalcade of retardation that defies comment and often causes one to just sit and disbelieve.
The subject of this entry falls into that final category.
So, in front of this august establishment there is an American flag.
Every evening it is taken down and every morning it is put back up.
I’m just going to cut right to it: some shining example of dumb fuckery hung the American flag upside down.
About four minutes ago (six and a half hours or so after the fact), someone noticed and corrected the situation.
Now, it isn’t illegal to hang the American flag upside down, it indicates distress.
So either the person that did this is a very clever and ironic person who was making a genius statement that this place is in a perpetual state of distress or a total fucking moron incapable of looking up.
Guess which one my money is on.
All the other instances (lost bodies, resident escaping, kids dying) are caused by a chain of stupid people bumping into one another and being distracted by something shiny, a loud noise or a kitty cat and not doing their job, but in this case, there was just a lone idiot who, in a simple, powerful gesture, expressed to everyone passing this establishment that we are a building full of people who are all in distress.
I applaud you, you solitary mook, you have summed this place up quite nicely.

1.13.2007

"Hidden In This Picture" A Play by Aaron Sorkin

Hey. Unsupportive douchebags, I'm in a play Thursday February 8th through Saturday February 10th.
Come see me.
Details and tickets are here.

1.12.2007

Love Sandwich

1.12.07
4:05 PM
Sandwiches are great.
They were originally made in order to save time (instead of sitting and eating bread, lettuce, tomato and meat you would just stack them together) but have since become something…bigger. Something more integral to our daily lives.
As children we are introduced to the world of sandwiches with the magic of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
And that is just the beginning.
You have your typical meat/cheese sandwiches: ham and Swiss, turkey and Munster, bologna (why are we taught as children to pronounce this as “ba-LOW-nee”?) and American.
You have your meat/vegetable sandwiches: the BLT and liverwurst (which is disgusting) and onion.
Your Zen (upper class) or welfare (lower class) sandwiches: mayonnaise, mustard and bread sandwiches respectively.
Your salad sandwiches: egg, tuna, chicken, shrimp.
Your ethnic sandwiches: Cucumber, Reuben, pastrami and rye.
You club sandwich for meat-loving fat people and toothpick enthusiasts.
Add any number of condiments and the universe of flavor expands.
Heat it up and you have gone from lunch to dinner in the time it takes to jump a few degrees on the thermometer.
There’s also the always delicious dessert sandwich which is facilitated by using honey, Nutela and/or Fluff.
There’s even something for vegans and Elvis with the peanut butter and onion sandwich and the fried banana, peanut butter and bacon sandwich.
Then, some genius discovered that pretty much anything can be a sandwich as long as there are two slices of bread involved.
Hence the Thanksgiving sandwich.
The same genius (who actually turned out to be a mad man) then took the next step and sealed the sandwich inside itself with the wrap.
A perfect example of these techniques used in perfect harmony can be found in the Hot Pocket.
There is no wrong way to make a sandwich unless you use Vegemite or Marmite.
I strongly suggest you try sandwich experimentation in order to broaden your food horizons.
I myself have invented the Xmax which consists of proschuto and mozzarella stacked high between two pancakes.
Don’t you say a fucking word until you’ve tried it.

On an unrelated note: today was just fine.
I found out I can attach my iPod to my Bose Wave thing and did so with excellent results.
I then headed out to pick up the next two Bond books and I found the very last copy of Gorillaz: Rise of the Ogre at the uptown Barnes & Noble’s for 50% off.
I also got my copy of 12 Rounds’ album “My Big Hero” which kicks fucking ass and which features Atticus Ross (producer of most recent NIN albums), Barry Adamson (of David Lynch fame) and Nick Cave (“the Stephen King of rock”).
I did have to use my AK, but just a little.
Other than that, everything was great.

Tomorrow I explore the dark heart of New York City with Chris and then there’s rehearsal for “Hidden In This Picture” (the Aaron Sorkin play which I’m in that goes up Thursday February 8th, Friday February 9th and Saturday February 10th at the Red Room in Downtown NYC).
Sunday will consist of more Brunch fun with Lauren and Chris in LIC and an extended bout of bringing sexy back consisting of a trip to see “Alpha Dog”.
In my defense for seeing a movie starring Justin Timberlake: remember Mark Walberg? Did you see him in the “Good Vibrations” video lifting weights in a factory while is was raining and think that one day he would be the star of “Boogie Nights”, one of the best movies ever?
Did not fucking think so.
Well, I am hedging my bets.
Anyone interested in joining must be willing to beg for a spot.
Space is extremely limited for people who are not actively trying to bring sexy back.
You know who you fucking are.

1.10.2007

nine inch nails: year zero
coming april 2007.
it could be about the end of the world.

1.03.2007

Luring disco dollies to a life of vice...

1.3.07
5:43 PM
First: the best song in the world is “Sex Dwarf” by Soft Cell.
It has an infectious synth riff that will show up on your blood test and backing vocals that will make you laugh with uncertainty.
I put it up on my myspace page so check it out.
Next: I went to the new Apple store (the one on 59th) today to get some accessories for BIZAG.
People, this is what the future looks like.
And in the future, everyone will be a gay hippie.
And we will all carry shining drawstring bags.
Finally: Next time you eat food, I want you to chew each mouthful fifty (50) times.
I want to see if you can you fucking wolfcows.
Appendage: I am going to meet David Lynch next Thursday at his signing at Barnes & Noble.
If anyone wants to see me get weird and squishy, come with.
7pm at some downtown B&N.
Appendage the Second: I went out and bought some DVD cases and a good stock of paper and now I can make my unofficial official copies of ‘Closure’ and The Broken Movie.
I don’t know if I mentioned it, but here’s the nugget:
In 1997 Nine Inch Nails released a 2-VHS collection called ‘Closure’. The first tape was a tour journal-type thing with live footage, interview stuff and backstage antics. Tape two was NIN’s videography thus far.
Flash forward to 2004.
Reznor announces that there is going to be a 10th anniversary re-release of his 1994 multi-platinum album “The Downward Spiral” (which doesn’t come out until November 2005). He also posts a teaser for a deluxe 2-disc edition of ‘Closure’ on DVD, boasting 90 minutes of extra footage.
At the end of the teaser the words “fall 2004” appear.
The teaser came out around the middle of 2004.
By the middle of 2005 ‘Closure’ is finished, but for legal reasons it cannot be released.
“Red tape” is the reason given by Reznor.
Flash forward to December 20th, 2006.
A torrent (which, by definition, is always unofficial) for the prototype ‘Closure’ DVD (complete with extra features and digital remastering) appears on The Pirate Bay website.
About a day later, Reznor posts this in his blog:

“Merry Christmas.
Consider this a guilt-free download.
(Shhh—I didn’t say that…)
If you know what I’m talking about, cool…”

Around this time a torrent (posted by the same poster as ‘Closure’) uploaded a pristine copy of The Broken Movie, a series of music videos united by one storyline that was created to accompany the 1992 Nine Inch Nails EP ‘Broken’.
Bottom line is this: Reznor said ‘fuck you’ to the label and ‘thank you’ to his fans all at once.
Rather than wait another year for the record label to sort out their shit, he simply gave the fans something special.
This is why his fans are so rabid.
Anyway, with my dual layer DVD burner, a $54 stack of DVD+R DL’s (a format I didn’t know existed two weeks ago), some nice matte photo paper and my printer, I will soon have the closest thing to an official release of both ‘Closure’ and The Broken Movie that there will (at this point) ever be.
This is what both James Brown and Saddam Hussein died for.
I thank them both.

1.02.2007

...and boy it's rough...

1.2.07
5:18 PM
Biiiig year this is set to be.
Chris and I moving to a two bedroom place, taking that next step in our seven year relationship, new Nine Inch Nails album, two new They Might Be Giants albums…
Hmmm…
Actually, that’s it.
Never mind.