I Am The Motherfucking Dance Commander

Yesterday, I said some things to some people that I would not have normally said.

"Have sex with the air."

"Wrestle with each others butts."

"Get international."

But...I was God.

And they did as they were told.

For fear of...reprisals.

Those reprisals were also meted out by my hand.

Yesterday...was weird.

Go to http://www.diesel.com/, and wait for my Presence.

P.S. I heard "Hangin' Tough" on the radio today.

This is going to be a long, cold winter.

I Rock. Band. 2.

If you'll be so kind as to head over to www.mtv2.com and click on the "Sharts" section, you'll find a listing for something called "Pure Evil On The Red Carpet".
That's me.
Enjoy.

I also posted some pictures from the shoot on my My Space photo page.
Also enjoy.

P.S. AND in the "Best Created Character" clip you can see the character based on me, Newton.

Couchthulhu

I must write in haste, for I believe it knows where I am...

Oh how I yearn for simpler, less deadly times!

Alas and alack!

But I digress...

Just this morning, there was a sound of rapping at the door to my domicile.

When I opened the door, I saw no living thing but a comfortable, loden green couch.

How foolish I was!

I took it in as if it were a boon from the Gods themselves!

And perhaps it was...but from which sinister Gods I know not!

They say never to look a gift horse in the mouth and I have always upheld that adage...until now!

For one might not know their gift horse's mouth contains the gateway to Hell itself!

Ah, but again I digress!

Please forgive me, for my very soul has been chilled!

Upon replacing my old, trustworthy couch with this sleek, new abomination, I began to notice slight changes in my home...

Walls seems closer, the ceiling, lower and the sunlight, less brilliant on my varnished wooden floors...

It was as if some maligned force was affecting the very place I called my own!

If only my mind had been more quick to act!

But now I suffer the consequence of lethargy...

I ignored the communiqués from every nerve in my body and succumbed to the drowsiness that stole over me.

I lay on the new couch to close my eyes for a moment and regain my strength that I had, up to a few moments before, been instilled with.

I awoke with a start from a horrible dream of drowning or being swallowed alive to find that, indeed, it had been no dream!

I looked down at myself and saw with horror and revulsion that this demon spawn had separated me from my right leg at the thigh!

It was alive!

It was hungry!

I made my way from the parlor to my study and locked the door to write this, which will certainly be my last communication with the world of the living!

Such a fool I was!

I came here to this accursed place to find out what had happened to my father and his father before him!

Now I know all too well!

Stupid stupid stupid!

Devoured by a couch?

How utterly inane!

how vainglorious!

How fucking goddamn dumb!

Fuck! FUCK!!

Wait...what was that noise?

Oh dear shit!!

It's...somehow it's...EATING THROUGH THE DOOR!!

As I write this it's slowly moving towards me!

If only I could stop describing the events befalling me and simple exit through the window which would lead me to safety!

But alas, I must recount every last terrible detail!

Why did I not actually read the bloodstained diaries of my father and grandfather?

What could I have been thinking taking residence here at Evil Couch Manor?

How was I to know it wasn't just a silly name like

Oh no!

While lost in reverie, the abomination has drawn even closer!

I might only have a few paragraphs to live!!

How slow it moves!

How inexorable yet slow.

So slow!

If only I could just stand up and leave!

The window is right there!

Seriously!

But I must leave this for MY son to find...

Wait.

Hm.

I am not married.

Well, that changes things a bit.

I don't even think I've made love to a woman ever...

Let me see...

There was that costume party a few months ago at Cecil's summer home in Normandy but...no...that was just a blowjob...hm...women can't catch preg from that can they?

Ah!

If only I had read the bloodstained volumes regarding human sexuality and basic anatomy!

Fool!

Fool that I am!

Or was in a few minutes' time when this demon consumes me whole!

Alas and alack!

Alack and alas!

Alas— oh, a penny!

Syphilis Road

or St. Fuckeyes Cathedral!

Revelation 7:23

I just pet a priest's wiener dog.

Should I go to confession?

nullity

9.9.08
8:03pm

Just finished Bret Easton Ellis' Less Than Zero.

I totally want to move to L.A.

And kill myself there.

Give me his non-relative-with-the-same-last-name Warren any day.

Yeech.

What I Did Today

Today, for the first time since the time Phil and I went to see Will in D.C. and I won* the Big Lebowski Drinking Game, I had five guys in my mouth.

And it was heaven.

Jess tried her best but could only have a widdle 'cuz her widdle tum tum was toooooo widdle!!!

You should have seen her with her grown up soda though.

Scrabbling at it with her widdle paws...

Too cute.

Xmax.

Danielle abstained from lunch because she gambled with the Rainbow and lost.

Also xmax.

Then I went home to nap (which is a delightful practice, I understand why babies are always laughing) and was woken up by the sound of future disappointment, or, to be fair and slightly optimistic, potential future disappointment.

But then again, what doesn't fall into that category?

After that, I woke and went to work.

Ah work.

So quiet.

And I am now in the midst of the final story in Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

A book you should read, unless you are an asshole.

If you are an asshole...well, I why am I even addressing you?

Asshole.

Think that's all.

Be brave.

Be tigers.

*Although no one really wins the BLDG

summation

Julian Cope

Pancake Lizard

The S-Word

Boiling Seas of Blood

Sweating

Mr. Xcitement

Cunning Stunts

137%?

So.
I'm watching 'Strangers With Candy' for the first time thanks to Christina Nongirlfriend.
My cousin Stephanie worked on the show back in 2000 as assistant somethingorother.
I IMDBed her and, along with her name, mine popped up as well, from 'Binding Silence'.
Although I knew I was up there, I never really looked at the entry.
Nothing much except for info on the film.
Under the entry, however, I was informed that my "STARmeter" is up 137% since last week.
Whatever you're doing folks, keep doing it.