Tepid and Viscous, I Remit...

12.9.08
8:18 pm

First:

Episode TWO of the Diesel Dance Party (in which I command the dancers) has just been put up on http://www.diesel.com/.

It looks as if they are going to put up one episode per week of this six episode psychodrama.

If you want to know the definition of "fear" and "sex", you need look no further than the Diesel Dance Party, for I embody BOTH while remaining disembodied.

Only I could achieve this momentous, paradoxical feat.

Second:

I defeated BOTH the Cockmasters here at my job AND in the Nokia/AT&T Machine today.

At the job, I found a way to silence the everfucking beeping that goes on in the shitty, nonfunctioning Fire System (that, ironically, wouldn't be able to tell if the System Itself was on fire) once and for all.

But the best part is, if I want to return it to its normal (read "broken") state, I can do so with the push of a button.

Fuck you, infernal beeping!

As for the Nokia/AT&T slutbags, I found a way to send ANY SOUND FILE I WANT to my new phone, regardless of whether or not it was purchased from AT&T.

Yes, I have a NEW cell phone.

It has a camera on it.

Ah. Ah ha. Ah hahahahahahahahahaha.

Prepare for penis.

At least, moreso than usual.

Third:

I am sick.

Sick sick sick sicky sick sick.

And I blame you.

Fourth:

I have nothing to go here.

Oh wait, yes I do.

So, you've seen/heard of 2 Girls, 1 Cup (and if you haven't, feel blessed)

I was recently sent something that some might consider far worse, although personally, it wasn't as disturbing to me as 2G, 1C.

Elements of it were but...

If features a man...hm...you know...this isn't something that can be just talked about or described.

You need to see it.

This is not safe for work unless you work in Hell and even then, only if your supervisor has a sense of humor.

Finally:

I am watching a British show called Skins at the moment.

It is excellent and I recommend it.

I am also giving the new Guns 'N' Roses a more thorough listen.

Look, I was a huge fan back in the day and it took 14 years to finish, I'm going to give it more than one fucking listen.

Still at the top of my Secret Santa Joke Gift List.

Even if it IS only available as a physical release from Best Buy.

Think that may be it.

Do your Thing...lest it does You...

The new Guns 'N' Roses album...

...is not very good.

In fact, it's quite bad.

It's bad for a continuation to Use Your Illusion I and II.

It's bad for a straight up Guns 'N' Roses album.

It's bad for a straight up album.

It sounds like the year 2000 or maybe 2002.

The only surprises on it are just how bad and overwrought Axl Rose sounds.

If you are a fan of Guns N Roses, re-listen to the earlier albums and pretend this never happened.

I read a huge review in a recent Onion that gave it an A- and compared it to a unicorn amongst horses ("should we compare its beauty to that of an average horse or simply marvel at the fact that it even exists?").

I then found out that the "special guest reviewer" was a huge GNR fanboy.

It would be like asking me to objectively review a new Nine Inch Nails album.

Not possible.

To be fair though, both this reviewer and Axl Rose say you have to listen to it several times to really "get it".

Thing is: I get it.

It is sucky.

It represents fourteen years of effort and it's terrible.

That is SO depressing.

Anyway, it is my top Secret Santa Joke Gift Item this year.

So, if you and I are somehow in a Secret Santa together, and I get your name, you know what you're getting.

But you have NO IDEA what you're getting into...

Meanwhile, the first episode of the Diesel Dance Party is now online at http://www.diesel.com/.

I am only in the first episode as "the guy putting hoods on people" (you REALLY need to see this) but I'm all over the next five (that's six episodes total, friends) as "The Voice of God" or "The Dance Commander".

I made up that second one, but, believe me, it applies like mascara, bitch.

And, yet no one reads this, I continue...