7.31.2012

End of the Month Music Bitchfest - July 2012

Nine Inch Nails
Someone pinch me!!! Could it be??? A new song??? Without lyrics??? For a supermacho, run-of-the-mill first person shooter??? Coming out in November???
This truly is the Age of Wonders.*
So, Reznor is doing the theme for Call of Duty: Black Ops 2: Headshotting A Bunch Of Juvenile, Racist, Sexist, Brainless, Pothead Douchbags In Multiplayer.
And I am thrilled.
One year : one song.
A bold new artistic direction for Nine Inch Nails, but, hey, you never know, this could be what saves the dying music industry.
You can hear a few bits and pieces of said theme underneath one of the most......long winded....and overdramatic.....speeches......EVAR...here.
You can also hear it in the background under David S. Goyer and Reznor talking about how video games are viable entertainment here.

In the same (not proofread) interview with USA Today, Reznor was also asked about the How To Destroy Angels album (set for release Q1, 2011) and said the following:

We have a finished album. It's been finished for a little while. We're doing a little bit of tweaks on it (see what I mean about the lack of proofreading?). The record will be out soon. We are doing a different type of distribution this time so it's taking a bit longer to coordinate stuff. There's a lot of music about to be unleashed, videos et cetera.

Now...I think I've discussed (at length) Trent Reznor's definition of "soon"...yes? So, my pants are sad, but, he also said there is "a lot of music coming". Last time he said that, he released the three disc Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score, so my pants are happy.
And, as far as, "a different type of distribution"...well...I have no idea how they're going to reinvent this wheel in a way that really matters and I'd be fine with his previous methods of distribution if it meant we got the new music faster but...I don't know...if they come up with something other than the various purchase options (ranging from mp3 to FLAC to CD to deluxe to super deluxe to sell-a-kidney super deluxe packaging), great, just don't let the wrapping delay the contents, namean?
One thing I will say; if this magical and stunningly original distribution plan involves six months of posting blurred images, then a handful of short, abstract videos with a bass line or synth loop or drum beat, then a free song, then a music video and then, finally, the album...expect me to be a touch vexed.
Note: the previous sentence is rendered null and void if said album meets or exceeds the aforementioned six month period of hype.
Thank you.

Reznor also mentioned, rather offhandedly, that he's working on new Nine Inch Nails music and that it was "in gestation".
Whether we're talking the gestation period of a mayfly or of an African elephant...well, I suppose we'll find out in 2015**, when the next Nine Inch Nails album is slated for release.

You can read the whole interview here.


They Might Be Giants
Although the first major IFC package (as well as our custom ringtones) was promised in July...nothing came, although, again, thanks to Flans' constant updates via the IFC Tumblr account, the fans have been kept well informed and, according to Mr. Flansburgh, they should go out in the next week or so.
In other news, TMBG have announced their only three shows scheduled for 2012: Saturday the 29th of December through Monday the 31st of December at the Williamsburgh Music Hall for Apathetic, Eye-Rolling Douchbags Who Drink Beer They Don't Like Because It's "Funny".
While I would have loved to go to their New Year's Eve show (I went once and it was awesome), I'm working, so I got tickets to both the preceding shows, the first of which will consist of one side of their second and third albums (Lincoln and Flood) and the second of which will consist of the other side of their second and third albums. Should be fun.


Beck
While the month started off with more flyspecks of not-news manufactured specifically to feed my hatefire (oooh, Beck produced a track for some chick who did a song on the Fleetwood Mac tribute album, ooooooh and oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh, here's a recording of a Woody Guthrie song from the mid-90's, ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!), the end of the month presents us with the revelation of NEW BECK MUSIC.......well, three new songs ("Cities", "Spiral Staircase" and "Touch The People") to be used in a video game called Sound Shapes.
In this game you sort of play the songs as the level...?
You know, it's a little hard to explain and while it does look like a pretty innovative game design and this is a fitting place for Beck's sexy robot musical stylings***...well, I guess I'd like to know where I can purchase these songs as, you know, songs...for listening...with my ears.
Will I buy this game specifically to hear new Beck music?
That...is a good question.
Here's a video that kind of clears things up a bit, and here's another video with one of the new Beck songs ("Cities").
Getting better Beck, but I want album meat, not video game salad.


Eels
In about three months, it'll have been a full year since Eels' official web site has been updated and even longer since it was updated with anything pertaining to Eels' music.
I have nothing else to go here, I'm just worried.
Has anyone talked to E lately?
Everything okay, big guy?
How's your beard?
How about Bobby Jr.?
I have a pretty strong feeling that, if/when that dog dies, E is soon to follow...
And, if you think that sounds a bit shallow...listen to his music some time, he's a seriously fragile dude.


In other musicy newsy poo, I haven't really been overlistening to anything, but I have been focusing on older Bowie (Hunky Dory, The Man Who Sold The World, Diamond Dogs, Pin-Ups). The rampant joy in this young David Bowie's voice is just darling. You can hear those wonderful, jagged, pre-capped teeth giving each syllable its own unique skew...
Some highlights from each include:


From The Man Who Sold The World (1970)

  • The Width Of A Circle - A bit long winded at times, but so are you, shut up.
  • Running Gun Blues - In which Bowie's voice has this lilt of madness...really unsettling.
  • The Supermen - It's a story about a planet of undying gods that can do anything but die. Basically, it's an Alan Moore graphic novel sung by David Bowie.

From Hunky Dory (1971)

  • Uh...actually? Pretty much the whole album.

From Pin-Ups (1973)
  • Here Comes The Night - Just fun, stop pestering me for reasons you should listen to songs.
  • See Emily Play - Why? Because it's Bowie covering Pink Floyd, that's why.
  • Friday On My Mind - Just a good time groove. Or GTG, as I call them.

From Diamond Dogs (1974)
  • Sweet Thing/Candidate/Sweet Thing (reprise) - These three tracks are really one track, and it's amazing. Dark and brash and triumphant and go and listen to it now.
  • Rock and Roll With Me - I have never felt as good about rocking and rolling with someone as when I hear this song,. Yes, David, I WILL rock and roll with you...unless that means sex, in which case...I'll probably still rock and roll with you.
  • We Are The Dead - In this we meet a creeping and slimy Bowie (perhaps Halloween Jack from the title track?) who's representing the dead. I have no idea what's happening here, but I want to be somewhere else.

Other than the Bowiefest...hm, that's about it.
This has been a rather horrible month, emotionally, and I've mostly been listening to podcasts about video games to take my mind off things and, when I have been listening to music, it's been my 500+ song "mellow" iPod playlist on shuffle.
I need some more mellow music.

Oh, one last thing: just found out yesterday: a new album from Tori Amos called Gold Dust. When I went to her site and saw the track list, I was bummed; it looked like a best of made up of deep cuts rather than her better known stuff, but, upon further, you know, reading what was written there, I saw that Tori has, in reality, rerecorded and rearranged these fourteen songs with the Metropole Orchestra.
This is intriguing.
I love when bands I've loved for a long time do things like this; reinterpreting their own work years after they wrote it, making it more pertinent and vital and contemporary, finding something new it something old.
This is an excellent exercise for bands that have been around for decades.
Reznor has always excelled at this, as has TMBG, who have been playing some of the same songs in completely different styles for over thirty years.
And, as far as Eels, every single concert features complete reimaginings of their work.
Very much looking forward to this.
Gold Dust is coming out October 2nd.

Anyway, see the bitch/be the bitch.







*Read "Internet Sarcasm"
** Late 2015
*** As in, he is a sexy robot, not that his robot stylings are sexy...even though they are.

7.27.2012

More Batman (and some other stuff)

As I'd mentioned before, I saw DKR for a second time on Sunday with Jen and Chris.
Beforehand, Jen and I watched some Batman: The Animated Series because that is what one does.
After coming home from the movie, I broke out my Batman Beyond DVDs in order to watch the episode in which Ra's al Ghul comes back in Talia's body in order to convince Bruce Wayne to live with her and use the Lazarus Pit in order to regain his youth.
Excellent, excellent episode.
After that, I watched a few more.
You know, I sometimes forget how great that show was. Much like BTAS, it's aged very well; it's a bit cheesy here and there (the seemingly obligatory anti-drug episode especially) but the writing and voice acting is rock solid in most cases.
And the actors?
In one random episode, the cast included Robert Patrick, Stephen Baldwin and William H. Macy.
Tight.
And, while the new villains the show introduced are all right, I'm always a sucker for the episodes which feature the villains from Batman's original rogue's gallery, like Mr. Freeze or Ra's al Ghul. The idea that these guys are still threats decades after Batman first fought them gives the whole universe a wonderful sense of cohesion.
In a recent list of Batman movies that were never made, a Batman Beyond movie was mentioned and, according to random internet flatulence, this next reboot is going to shoot for a younger cast... I must say that a Batman Beyond movie would be a great way to ameliorate some of the fans' hatred directed at the idea of rebooting the franchise so soon after such a masterful showing.
It'd rub salve on my ass in any case.

In non-Batman related news*, I was reflecting on that Cardiovascular Institute VO I had last week. Usually, when I go into a VO audition, there is copy with specs. The specs are usually the most banal shit you hear me rant about ("friendly...not announcery...with a hint of a smile..."), but the specs of this consisted of five words: Strong. Confident. Humble. Quiet. Honest. The fact that I booked it felt pretty good. Not that I really believe I''m any of these things, really...but someone somewhere, at the Cardiovascular Institute, thinks I can sound that way.
So I'm going to count that as a victory.

This weekend shall include saying goodbye to two dear friends, Jim and Jen, who are moving to fucking Hawaii. Honestly, it'll be less of a "we're sad to see you go" party and more of a "you lucky assholes" party.
But a party is a party.
And we...like...to party...we like...we like to party.
And then, on Sunday, going to Jersey to help Chris with the last of her mom's furniture.
Which should be just as fun, or MORE fun, than said party.
As long as I'm drunk.

Picked up Silent Hill: Downpour against better judgement as well as the new Amazing Spider-Man game which serves as an epilogue to the movie of the same name, so now I have to see the movie. I think I'm doing that next weekend with Jen and anyone else who's interested.
This was spurred on by my recent watching of tonnes of the mid-90's Spider-Man animated show, which, get ready, is pretty good.
Not really the writing or the animation, both are pretty sloppy and childish, but the scope of the thing...
One recent episode featured Morbius, Blade and the Punisher (all of who were majorly nerfed so as not to scare the kiddies-- you hear a lot of "get him" and "destroy him", but never "kill him"-- but still) and, the one I watched last night, had Venom, Carnage, Baron Mordo (Tony Jay!), Dormammu, Iron Man and fucking War Machine (who was voiced by none other than James "Uncle Phil/Shredder" Avery), and it managed not to feel pointless with all these characters in it. Very well done.
Plus,each season after the first is one cohesive story (to a point), with reoccurring themes and actual character development...it's nowhere near as good as BTAS but it's leagues better than X-Men.

And, in about eighteen minutes, I'm off to grab Neuromancer for Chris and We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, the Philip K. Wang collection so as to see where Total Recall came from before it was a bad movie and, hopefully, a not-as-bad movie in August.

Finally, my good friend Phil has embarked upon a crazy writing challenge, one that will hopefully bear crazy fruits.
Keep a look out over at his site transientme.com.

I'm out.












*You may go.

7.25.2012

I'm Going To Talk About The Batman

First things first: major spoilers regarding Batman Begins, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises ahead*, so, there's a reason beside disinterest to not continue reading...

On Thursday last, I came down with a horrible case of Bane Mouth and had to call out of work...what excellent luck that it cleared up right before I headed out to see the Dark Knight trilogy at 34th street's fake IMAX** theater with Jay and Paul and Steve and Jose.
All of whom you don't know but are, nonetheless, real.
I was going to show up at 3pm, but actually found myself tittering with excitement in the shower at about 1:30, so I got out and showed up at 2...right behind ten people and Jay.
About ten minutes later, Steve showed up and, after reading a sign, discovered that we were standing in the line for the Bourne Legacy screening (which, oddly enough, I had turned down an invite to earlier that week) happening at the same theater.
He lead us to the correct line where we were still about ten or fifteen people back.
We stood there and geeked our fucking balls off until about 5pm, when, just as those horrifying isolated thunderstorms were beginning...we were let in.
Guys...we were handed posters...and lanyards.
I worn mine for about five minutes and then took it off, feeling as though I had gone too far.
I'm not kidding, even I have limits.

Then I somehow managed to eat a whole burrito with only a dozen or so grains of rice spilled***, which made me very proud in a way I haven't felt in, literally, decades.
There was more talking and then the (totally gayballs) "IMAX calibration sequence" began.
I have seen ONE other film in IMAX: the re-release of The Exorcist whenever that was...I was in college I think...and, after seeing these three movies in IMAX, I will never see anything in IMAX again.
It was loud to the point of parody. Each footstep was a gunshot, each gunshot was an apocalypse and each explosion was instant anal prolapse.
The upside of anal prolapse is that it can only happen once.
Trying to understand Batman's growl-screaming-through-stuffed-sinuses-with-a mouth-full-of-rock-choked-mud and Bane's ball-gag-made-of-live-rabbits-German?-tinged-yawn-thunder was hard enough without all the music and sound effects turned up to "Go Fuck Yourself If You Can't Hear Shit".

Anyway, the trailers came on, the only one of which held any interest for me was the "exclusive" Skyfall extended trailer...which made me wish, for just...one...second that I was about to see that instead...but then...Batman Begins...begans...or did it?
No, it did not.
Now, I've only seen Begins a handful of times, maybe five, maybe less, but something felt...off...a moment later, I knew why: the lackwit in the booth pushing buttons...pushed the wrong button...and The Dark Knight Rises began to play...at 6pm on Thursday.
At first, people seemed upset...but then they kind of got quiet...because we were about to see the new, final Batman movie we'd been waiting for since one second after The Dark Knight ended in 2008 a whole six hours early...which I was totally fine with because I had a VO booked for the next morning at 9:15.
But, right around the time Bane was causing a ruckus in the airplane, it stopped.
The reaction was mixed.

Then, well, they showed Batman Begins and, after a thirty minute break or so, The Dark Knight.
And they were the excellent movies they've always been, except for the are-you-really-sure-this-should-be-this-loud-there's-blood-coming-from-my-nose-mouth-ears-and-dickhead IMAX sound pummeling.
Also, I'll admit, I was getting antsy and tired.
I have NO earthly idea how those freaks did the Avengers marathon (five 2+ hour movies PLUS the two and a half hour Avengers flick) or those Oscar marathons, but after two movies, I was ready to leave.
Then, they ran the trailers again and the movie finally started.

Hm...what to say that hasn't been said already...
Well, it, in no way, topped Dark Knight. Liam Neeson is great and Tom Hardy was great as well, but I could not take my eyes off the screen when Heath Ledger was on it.
I was so convinced that Nolan would have found a way to trump himself, but, he didn't. I mean, the scope was bigger, and the tying in of the first two movies was very well done, but I wanted this to make me forget about Dark Knight...not that I wanted to forget it, I wanted to be made to forget it, dig?
Anne Hathaway did all right, I suppose, but I really have trouble seeing her as this generation's Grace Kelly...could someone maybe point me at something amazing that she's done to earn this auspicious title? I mean, her boob was pretty cool for those ten seconds in Havoc, but Grace Kelly?!
Bane turned out very nicely, although turning up his garbled voice is really not the same thing as having him re-record it. I saw in an interview that Tom Hardy based Bane's voice on a gypsy bare-knuckle boxer named Bartley Gorman, the character's intelligence...and hiss Caribbean background.
No.
No no no, he sounds German.
German is how he sounds.
Except for the times when he sounds like Sean Connery ("Come now, Doctor...thish is not the time for fea-ah...that comsh latah...").
Oh, and when he picked up the microphone at the stadium?
Guys, insult to injury, can we get some fucking subtitles please.
The first time I saw the film (partially because of the goddamn IMAX ear-fucking), I did not catch everything Bane said, but, after seeing it for a second time on Sunday with Jen and Chris, I got everything except for the second to last thing he says to Dagget before whatever horrible thing he does to him off screen because this is PG-13 and we don't want to scare anybody.
"I am here to rumble tummy rugby rhubarb watermelon guggle tup" is what I think he said.

Also, at times, although the movie is one hundred and sixty five minutes long, I felt like stuff was missing...for instance, the way the bomb goes from 23 days to 18 hours to 12 hours to 11 minutes in a matter of, what, ten real time minutes?

And, how did Bruce Wayne get back from the prison to Gotham, how did he into Gotham and how did he know everything that was going on with the bomb while he was away?

My biggest problem with The Dark Knight Rises actually had nothing to do with the cast or crew of DKR...is had to do with that tubby pothead fuck, Kevin Smith.
Back in mid 2011, casting news for Rises came to light.
Now, announcing Tom Hardy as Bane gives away that the villain (or a villain, in any case) will be Bane.
Announcing that Liam Neeson will be in the movie could mean one thing or another (flashback, hallucination, that he is Ra's Al Ghul, the immortal Demon's Head!!!!, whatever).
But.
When Smith and his equally fuckfaced companion announced on their podcast that Marion Cotillard was cast as Miranda Tate...but that she was really playing Talia Al Ghul...well, fuck!
I have no problem with announcing casting news, this is one of the most anticipated movies of all time and casting news and set photo speculation is all part of the enjoyment for some people, but, fucking shit in a teapot CALL SPOILERS!!! I'm looking forward to the film, I don't want to know things that will potentially ruin the plot for me, which is, by the by, exactly what these idiots did.
At first, I tried to forget.
One more time: I tried to forget...which, any neurologist will tell you is physically IMPOSSIBLE.
DON'T THINK ABOUT MY HUGE PENIS.
See?
Doesn't work.
So, once I gave up trying to forget that this woman happens to be the grieving daughter of Batman's first and greatest enemy whose ultimate plan is to destroy him and the city he has sworn to protect...I tried to hope that this would be revealed early on, maybe...in the first three minutes of the film? Like, in a flashback, her and her father are sitting somewhere (maybe on that same patch of ice Ra's and Bruce fought on), and he tells her:

RA'S AL GHUL:  Daughter, my daughter, Talia, for that is your name, Talia Al Ghul, the daughter of Ra's-

TALIA AL GHUL: Yes, father, I get it, I'm your daughter.

RA'S AL GHUL: Yes, of course, sometimes I forget...if anything should ever happen to me...like dying in a train wreck caused by some billionaire who is also a bat man...avenge me by becoming a socialite and then blah blah blah...whatever.

But that didn't happen.
(Also: it's pronounced "raysch", not "razz". It's in the comics, it's in Batman: The Animated Series and, in Batman Beyond, they actually address the fact that it is not pronounced "razz", so I don't know if it was one of the Nolan's or that no one wanted to correct Liam Neeson, but...yeah, "raysch", not "razz". Please continue.)
What happened was, from the moment she first appeared on the screen, I was 100,000% completely aware that she was secretly working against Bruce Wayne AND Batman. So, every time Bruce entrusted her with something important I cringed.
"I want you to take care of my company" (fuck)
"I want to get naked in front of you" (goddamn it!)
"I want you to be in control of my god damn nuclear bomb machine hidden under the fucking city." (fucking WHAT?!)
And, all the while, I'm looking for something in the film that would give her away so I can start enjoying this movie as it should be, but NO (except for that part with the scar on her shoulder...sort of), not until, literally, 97% of the way through the film, when she takes off her mask and goes, "Ah ha! I am not who you thought I was! I am, in reality--"
Yes, yes, do shut up, Marion.
So, because of that, a lot of this film was ruined for me.
I like being surprised (even if this wasn't the biggest surprise in the history of cinema) and these dickless cockhounds ruined it for me OVER HALF A YEAR BEFORE THE FILM CAME OUT.

More gripes: the way Nolan wrapped/set everything up? Bitter fucking sweet.
If he had said, look, I'll make another Batman movie in ten years, I would have been okay with setting Gordon Levitt up as the new Batman, but this is it. They're rebooting the goddamn franchise in something like a year, this world is finished.
That's just cruel.
Yes, it was an amazing ending, but...cruel.
Okay, enough bitching, how about what I liked?
A lot.
I actually got chills when Bane uttered those magic words, "I will break you", and then snapped Batman over his knee.
Amazing.
The scene where Bane makes his way above ground while a fucking child is singing the National Anthem right before Bane destroys everything...in New York City?! Are you kidding me?! Mr. Nolan...you have pushed alll the right buttons, you horrible bastard.
In. Sane.
Oh, and bringing Scarecrow back as the judge was pretty inspired, although I would have loved to see Zsasz come back...he is one of those characters you really can't soften up for animated shows or even PG-13 movies...he kills people and then cuts himself to keep track.
I mean...fuck, he very well may be the darkest Batman villain out there, and the simplest.
We see him at the beginning of Begins getting released into Crane's custody and then again threatening Katie Holmes and that annoying kid when all hell breaks loose; in fact, if you look closely, you can see, when he turns his head away from the camera, a whole bunch of fresh looking scars on the side and back of his neck.
THAT...is what...I am talking...about.
But, badgers can't be choosers and all that.
Al in all, it was a great wrap up to the trilogy, tying everything together beautifully. Was it as perfectly standalone as Dark Knight, but, honestly, can anyone suggest something that would have topped that without it sounding ridiculous?
If so, I'll direct it.

All right, there it is: my completely disorganized bitchfest pertaining to the Dark Knight trilogy.

Note: After speaking with my friend Will who pointed out a basket full of additional plot holes and reading this article from Kotaku, I must admit, the film is harder to enjoy, but, hey...he's Batman.








*I am going to fuckrant my bowels out soon regarding spoilers, their importance and why they're fucking called spoilers.
**Not not NOT to ever be confused with XMAX.
***I haven't actually seen the movie yet, I'm just seeing how much minutiae I can get you to read before you stop-- oops, there you go...

7.24.2012

These Knids...They're So Vermicious

Did you know that "vermicious" means wormy or wormlike from the Latin word "vermis"?
That's awful.

Today was busy pants, with me up at 8:20 in order to get to a re-record session consisting of two sentences that needed more sexy from last Friday's Cardiovascular Institute VO.
It was fast and lucrative.
I'd feel guilty...if I weren't...so...god...damned...GOOD.

Then, thinking I would have time to shower and make pretty, it turned out that DBO and her friend, Nurse Rachel, were done with her NYC doctor stuff early, so they came over and we headed to Tuk Tuk.
Thai food is better in the restaurant, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ever.
I'm proud to be counted among Brooke's "other" friends. You know, the ones that aren't rescue divers or astronauts or White House Press Officials or good people who help people with their lives.
Well...not really proud...sort of...accepting?
Yes.
Either way, it was an excellent lunch with two excellent people.
After I sent them on their way to Penn Station, I had just enough time to make pretty and get to work.
Where I soon learned that my wonderful plan of anonymous whimsy and niceness had been thwarted by myself and the US goddamn PS.

So.
I sent Jen Rock a thing in the mail* and addressed it to "Janet van Dyne", the Wasp's secret identity since Jen had just been at Comic-Con cosplaying as Wasp.
No problem, right?
Yes problem, wrong!
Turns out that the Government won't let her pick up this package simply because she doesn't have a valid ID with that name on it!
Bullshit, right?!
No.
Not really.
So I'm an asshole.
I called a bunch of helpful people** and they told me that I'm really quite fucked unless Jen can somehow arrange to get the package in some other fashion.
This package that was meant t be a fun, little surprise.
Ugh.
When I try to be nice, things are awful, so now I have Total Justification for being a Raging Toolbox.
Hopefully this thing will sort itself out...because I'm exhausted.

This evening, I plan to read a bunch of Batman comics, then, when I get home, to watch 30 Minutes Or Less.
I enjoyed Zombieland (even though they said "nut up or shut up" exactly one time too many), enjoy Jesse Eisenberg and, since watching Parks and Recreation, can now tolerate Aziz Ansari.
Game on.
All the way on.

And soon I will have some sort of review thing sort of for Dark Knight Rises, although it's mostly going to be me screaming about how Kevin fucking Smith of ALL PEOPLE should know the value/purpose/proper time to warn of a spoiler and how fucking loud the Dark Knight trilogy is in IMAX.***

All right.
Let's get real.







*That will never be worth all the fucking trouble this has become to obtain said thing.
**Not joking, they were all very nice and helpful
***Hint: fucking very.

7.18.2012

Prepare To Lose Interest

Before everything awful in the world happened, I was playing through Silent Hill 2 with Jen.
If it's all the same to you, I'm going to skip over the awful stuff and stick with the escapist-survival horror stuff.
Thanks.

A few weeks ago I picked up the Silent Hill HD Collection, which consists of Silent Hill 2 and 3 with HD graphics and cleaned up textures and the like. I did it so I could expose my friend Jen to all its amazing, genre-defining terrors. After slowly, painfully acclimating to the janky, awkward, tank-like controls of the main character, James, we stepped into the fog and things immediately went bad.

The feeling that everything is wrong kicks in pretty much instantly, thanks to the sound design of Akira Yamaoka, the demented genius behind every sound in every Silent Hill game to date except for the recent excretion, Silent Hill: Downpour.

Did I have fun messing with Jen's head?
I would be lying if I said no.

We met and then "fought" Pyramid Head (a moment still as disturbing, frightening and fruitless as it was the first time I encountered it), met that little bitch, Laura, that vomiting, fat fuck, Eddie and that cock hungry slutbag, Maria. Then we abandoned her in Brookhaven Hospital and screamed our asses off as more horrible shit happened. Pyramid Head showed up one last time to cut Maria in half, then we left the hospital, saved and said our goodbyes.

If she ever comes over again, we have the Silent Hill Historical Society, the prison and the hotel to look forward to.
Oh, also the underground labyrinth, did I forget to mention that?
Yeah, that's where Pyramid Head lives.
So I'm expecting that everything will go fine and nothing will try to cleave us.

In other escapist news, I've been watching a lot of shit lately.
After finishing all the funny shows on television, I returned to the 8th season of the X-Files, starring the T-1000 (nothing will ever allow me to see him as anything else) and Scully, as Mulder is still "abducted".
The quality, obviously, has definitely started to decline, although there's been one or two cool episodes thus far. I believe they are about to replace Scully with actress Annabeth Gish, a name I turn to for solace in times of duress. Not the actress, just the name.
At that point...well, I don't know why I'll be watching the show at that point.
Because...I'm a completionist?
Yeah, let's go with that.

I also completed the Silence of the Lambs "trilogy" by watching Hannibal.
I had totally forgotten that Ridley Scott directed that movie.
I had not totally forgotten that Julianne Moore replaced Jodie Foster though.
I had also not forgotten that, while Silence was one of the best thrillers ever made, its sequel was more of an over-the-top action movie which occurred for no real reason.
I was reminded of that whilst watching Hannibal.
At least Gary Oldman was awesome.
And, hey, man-eating pigs, right?
I'm glad they made Red Dragon so as not to leave fans with a sour taste in their mouths.

Next, National Treasure.
Why?
WHY?
Actually, I can answer that quite easily: I have accrued quite the stockpile of visual flotsam (not jetsam, just flotsam) and, while sitting alone, sick and despairing, I saw something that I thought would be a great way to lose two hours.
And it worked.
I can't say the movie had no impact on me whatsoever, because I took a few notes.
Mainly, the thing that struck me was how vanilla everything was. It was as if Disney had rewatched the Indiana Jones movies (the watchable ones) and said, "Whoa, this is...whoa! This is way too intense for people these days! Let's just turn this from a 9 to a 2."
In fact, I picture Cage's character and Tom Hanks' character from the Dan Brown movies sitting and drinking tea, but the tea is too hot so they let it sit there and cool, but then never drink it for fear that it's still too hot for them.
They also quietly murmur to themselves about parchment.
I felt no sympathy or interest or anything for Nicolas Cage at all. Too be fair though, I'm not sure a snuff film in which he were tortured and eaten by savages would get me to do anything other then stifle a yawn. Because THAT is what Cage sounds like! Ah ha! I think I just had a breakthrough! His ever-present drawl makes it sound like he's always yawning, which makes me tired, which makes me not give a shit if he lives or dies or gets tortured and eaten etc. etc. etc!
Well, that was pretty good.
Also, I liked Sean Bean better when he was trying to kill James Bond.
Please stop making National Treasure movies, they are blanding things up horribly.

Then, dumb bastard that I am, I finished the Resident Evil Quadrilogy with Resident Evil: Aftermath.
Ugh, you dumb, fucking bastard!
The first thing I will say is positive; cherish it, because it's the only positive thing I have to say about this potato.
For the first time since the original RE movie, they got someone with skills to do the music, namely, music lab, tomandandy. Whereas the "music" for the second and third movies was just wallpaper trying desperately to mimic the score and mood from the first, this one actually has some substance...unlike the movie itself.
Note to Paul W. S. M. T. S. M. W. T. P. M. S. M.* Anderson: if you have to Slo-Mo something to show how badass it is, it probably isn't that badass to begin with.
The opening is some of the most video game video game movie shit I have ever seen, which is really neither here nor there.
The first piece of business is to kill EVERY ONE OF THE CLONES we saw heading to spacedock the Umbrella HQ under Tokyo, only before Wesker, the big, big, baddy bad guy who is responsible for everything bad EVAR, wipes out said HQ and injects Milla Jovovich with something that takes away ALL her superpowers (super strength, super healing, super jumping, super telekinesis, super pyrokinesis, super hair, etc.). Then there is the biggest plane crash ever...which Milla walks away from...with a tiny limp...that is gone by the next scene.
Having survived yet another horrible thing, she is back on her task of finding "Arcadia", a place with no infection or zombies or anything. It's totally awesome. But, when she finally arrives at the coordinates given for Arcadia, there is nothing there but hundreds of abandoned planes and yeah. Okay, I'm going to ruin this for everyone: Arcadia is a huge aircraft carrier looking thing. It's a massive boat. But, in every one of the radio transmissions announcing its location and that there's no infection and all that, not once do they mention that people should be looking for a fucking boat.
What. Assholes.
So, Milla picks up Clair Redfield (who has amnesia now because...this is something that happens to people) and they fly over Los Angeles, because you have to. They see a building there with some "please help us" signs and so they land their bi-plane...on the top of an L.A. skyscraper.
Then they meet the survivors therein.
Okay, so, you know how in the second movie they had all the horror movie stereotypes? Well, this time around, since they find themselves in Los Angeles...they went with Hollywood stereotypes!!! There's the hot, good hearted chick who came to La La Land in order to make it big, the athlete gone movie star, the scummy agent and his personal assistant...Jesus...
Everything is totally safe where they are (a prison) when, for no apparent reason, the zombies, which, up to this point, have been nothing more than shambling (and, sometimes, speedwalking) corpses, start tunneling under and into said prison. Yes, tunneling. AND, if that weren't inexplicable enough, for, literally, no reason, there shows up a character from the Resident Evil 5 video game, the Axe Man. Now...they maybe could have had some Umbrella guy mention some secret weapon or new mutation or something...but they don't. There's just this guy, walking down an empty street, dragging a huge, fucking axe. Then, he shows up and starts banging on the gates of the prison with said huge, fucking axe. The survivors' reaction to this thing? "Shoot that motherfucker!" which, while not a bad reaction, does fuckall with regards to explaining what it is or where it came from.
WHY IS THERE A HUGE FUCKING GUY DRESSED AS AN EXECUTIONER WANDERING AROUND IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITH AN AXE TWICE AS BIG AS A PERSON?
I would like to think he was just a guy, living in L.A. when all this went down and he just took this opportunity to go totally fucking apeshit. Like, he's just sitting at home, alone in his shitty apartment with his huge, goddamn axe..and then BOOM, Umbrella fucks the world in half and he's like, "You know? Lemons to lemonade, let's break out Ol' Choppy and fuck some shit UP."
Zombie shit, human shit, don't matter. This guy is about the process.
Eventually, this huge fucking utterly mysterious monster thing finds its way (silently) into some room inside the prison and then Milla and Clair beat the shit out of it, finishing it off with a blast of coins fired from a shotgun, producing a deliciously tongue-in-cheek video game trope: the enemy dying then spilling out a bunch of coins.
After escaping the prison (oh, did I mention that Clair's brother and star of a handful of RE games, Chris, was randomly in the prison as well? Well, he was.), the survivors finally make it to the ship, Arcadia...only to find out it's a trap laid by Umbrella in order to catch humans so Wesker (who is totally alive but sharing his body with a hideous mutant variant of the T-virus) can eat their DNA!!!!
Again: so he can eat their DNA.
There is a super big fight and Wesker is totally blown up for sure never to be seen again EVAR...and then things are totally cool.....UNTIL WE SEE A BRAINWASHED JILL VALENTINE LEADING A HUGE SWARM OF HELICOPTERS FILLED WITH UMBRELLA TROOPS TO DESTROY MILLA AND THE REMAINING SURVIVORS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Resident Evil: Retribution hits theaters September 14th, 2012.

God, I'm not even done yet...

I also watched the Bourne trilogy.
Two things: First, Jason Bourne can never, will never replace James Bond and, if he ever does, it is truly time for me to leave this place, and, second, BUY A FUCKING TRIPOD.
What Abrams' fucking lens flares were to Star Trek, Doug Liman's and Paul Greengrass' Parkinson's Cam was to these movies.
FUCKING STOP IT YOU'RE HURTING THE BABY.

After this, Chris and I watched Total Recall. And the less said of that, the better.
I look forward to reading the Dick story the movie was based on and then seeing the new one when it comes out, although I am sad sad sad SAD that Jessica Biel will be in it.
Sad sad sad sad.

In honor of the top of this post, I then decided to watch the Silent Hill movie.
You know, aside from 75% of the dialogue, 60% of the principals' acting and 1000% of the extras' acting...this is a really great adaptation.
Really great.
After the first time I saw it with Phil, we broke the film down into three parts and graded each accordingly:
The beginning of the film up until the moment Rose wakes up in Silent Hill: B
That moment up until Rose and Cybil enter the Church: A-
That moment until the end credits: C-/D+
The major problems for me were the little girl's acting, the atrocious dialogue and every second the extras are on the screen and doing anything.
They took a pretty lazy route with the music and just used tracks from the various games; I'd really have enjoyed some new Yamaoka sickness, but, whatever.
But...the one amazing, faultless aspect of this movie was the sets.
They.
Are.
Perfect.
The detail that went into them is just astonishing and half the experience with any Silent Hill game are the environments, so I was able to forgive a lot with this movie.
Can't wait for the sequel, even though I am a bit trepidacious.
We'll see if my fears are justified...on October 26th.

Then, I treated myself to some good movies, namely the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead and then, the next evening, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

The simplicity of Night is perfect. Until the zombies burst in and overrun the house at the end, you only see about twenty the whole time! And that is all you need. The only downside to something this basic is that it's almost too basic, too...beginner, that it can't possibly be recaptured without feeling intentional and like going by the numbers.
And the casting is also pretty perfect. I hated that cockring Cooper from the first second he stomps on screen. The best thing about his character is that, while one could argue he is a very one-dimensional character, his flatness is completely justified: he's protecting his family, doing what he thinks is the only thing to keep them safe. And, the hilarious thing is, in the end, he was right. If he had gotten everybody into the basement (and managed to kill his own zombie daughter) everyone would have it made it out alive the next morning when every redneck in the Universe showed up to kill some dead ass...FUR AMURKAH!!!!
Seriously, every one of those hundreds of characters you see at the end of the movie could be named Cooter and/or Skeet.
Although I think this might be the perfect zombie film, I do have a handful of problems or, at least, questions.
First and foremost, why didn't they hit the attic the second they arrived? These days, that oversight would be inexcusable.
Can zombies use stairs? It's been debated...but can they pull on a string, lower a retractable ladder and then use them?
Fuck. No.
At least not any zombies that I know.
And I know four.
Next, what the hell was up with Tony Todd's kung fu/judo wrestling with the zombies after he's stranded at the gas pump? It was both hilarious and puzzling.
Also hilarious is the look on Barbara's face when the sweet, innocent redneck boy uses a shotgun to shoot the lock of the gasoline pump.** At that instant, every stereotypical thing she's ever heard about rednecks becomes painfully true.
What is less hilarious is just how quickly everything falls apart, (hopefully) reminding viewers that no matter how safe you think you are, there is always something that can go horribly, fatally wrong, and, usually it involves the living, not the dead.
Oh, and Patricia Tallman (Barbara) could be Julianne Moore's cousin.

Next up, Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead.
I'm going to be honest: I don't remember liking Romero's original Dawn. As I recall, it suffered greatly from a fatal case of the Contemporaries.
*shudder*
The 70's...
But, this remake (which the guys who made it don't actually call a remake) is fantastic.
People behave very believably and make a lot of the same decisions that I feel I'd make in a similar situation.
Although I would play a lot more video games and most likely cry and masturbate quite a bit as well.
No homo.
There was very little of me screaming at the screen for a character not to do this or to rather do that instead, and that, to me, is at the heart of what makes a good movie good.
In fact, I only have one problem with the entire movie...and that is the legless zombie that ambushes the group in the parking garage...by shimmying, hand over hand on a pipe before dropping onto its unsuspecting prey.
Are. You  Kidding.
Also, at one point, they are using a dog to shuttle supplies to some dude by lowering it into a MASSIVE (thousands of them) crowd of zombies and, while it's being lowered, someone says, with expert knowledge in their voice, "They're not interested in the dog."
One: you aren't a zombie, so don't assume you know what they do/don't want. By your flawed logic, zombies might love deviled eggs...I mean...we've never seen them turn them down...right?
Idiot.
Two: Why the hell wouldn't a zombie want a dog?
Zombies eat living things.
Here's a quick quiz in order to help you remember what a zombie will/won't eat:
Is the thing in question living?
Yes - the zombie wants to eat it***
No - You're set.
Other than that? Well, it was just delightful watching the world end for these poor fuckers.
Also, major kudos to Mekhi Phifer and Zack Snyder for not playing him like a thug/directing him to play a thug.
You made a good choice.
There have been murmurings of a Snyder sequel to Dawn coming out in 2013 entitled Army of the Dead.
If it happens, I will be there.
Now, as I near the end of this colossal media and sadness fueled ramble, I have one final remark regarding zombies and their father in contemporary films:
One thing we can all agree upon is that when George A. Romero dies...he must be immediately decapitated and burned...by Max Brooks.

And, finally, turning away from media and towards my own potentially horrible news and its synchronistic connection to my career: just after talking to my father about his carotid arteries; the left, which is completely occluded and the right, which is 50% occluded, I booked a very well-paying VO gig for...yeah...the Cardiovascular Institute at the Rhode Island Hospital.
Friday I record and Tuesday he has a PET scan.

Yeah...
Yeah.







*Why Stop Making These Shitty Movies When They Pay Me So Much?

** Which, obviously, caused a massive explosion, killing the rednecks and destroying their chance at getting out of there by car, in case you've never seen this/are retarded.

***And for the last fucking time, YES, zombies eat plants...if they grow fast enough to resemble people or animals. Now, does this mean a zombie won't eat a slow person or slow animal? Well, I suppose we'll just have to find out. FETCH ME A ZOMBOTOLOGIST!!!

7.03.2012

Such Sickness...

Since Friday, I have been sick.
I have also been squatting in my own living room since the AC has gone in and Chris has gone away to the West.
I feel like the smartest, sickest homeless man ever.
I can hear virtually NOTHING out of my left ear due to weird sick pressure head issues and I can't seem to smell anything either.
I have a 2000 word recording session with TransPerfect Thursday morning at 10.
Fuck. Yes.
I also received an e-mail yesterday from my manager checking my availability for next week to go in for a rerecord for a session I did back in March.
Now, here's the deal, the folks from that session back in March, have yet to send my payment.
So.
Here's what I'm thinking...I won't set foot in that studio until A. we get that payment from fucking March and B. we get a written guarantee that we'll have the payment from this session within 2 weeks.
This company makes, literally, billions of dollars a year, they can fucking expedite this.
I don't think that's unreasonable at all and, if it is a little, I have never been a diva in my career and this is as good a place to start as any.

In other "news", since I've been delirious with sickness I have watched the 8th season of The Office (loving almost every second of it, and, although HE says he's never gotten it, I think Flans resembles Ed Helms XMAX), the 6th season of 30 Rock (I saw where my part would have been and, although it would have been awesome to put 30 Rock on my resume, I'm fine now that I did not get it; it was for the voice of Mayor MacBeth/Cheese from the credits of the episode where Liz finds her book from the year before and starts solving all her problems before they occur. I had to do a Patrick Stewart impression. And the addition of Kristen Schaal to the cast might have made one of the funniest things on television even funnier. She is perfect), Red Dragon (Ralph...Jesus...you're a nightmare. Also, I'd probably sleep with a serial killer if I later got to pet a tiger), Paul (the movie, not the me), that Rob Zombie animated film, the Haunted World of El Superbeasto (such a wonderful and pus-filled universe he has created, Sherri Moon Zombie-- which might be the coolest name ever-- does a great job as Suzi X...and Paul Giamatti is one of the most versatile voice actors I've ever heard) and the Doctor Who 8th Doctor TV movie (which was shitty trash ass and pure piss awful. Fear and burn this.).

I also played through Resident Evil 5 on Hard...which is less than Hard when you have a lot of super powerful weapons with infinite ammo, and I finally finished Max Payne 3, which was good looking and functional with a solid noir story, but nothing more.
I'm trading it in for something as soon as I have the time.
Not sure what though, as the new Silent Hill (SH: Downpour) got nothing but shit bags for reviews.

Aside from not really being able to hear out of my left side, I'm actually feeling better, so, tomorrow, Jen Rock and I are going to play through as much of Silent Hill 2 as we can without tumbling into the crimson maw of terror and darkness...so, like, forty minutes.  I might put the mattress away...if I have the energy and wherewithal.

The lack of my One and Only plus the effects of my sickness have made me part bachelor (in five days, I have used one bowl, one spoon, one plate and nothing more) and part wounded baby elephant (I've been eating a lot of peanuts and trumpeting).
In short: ay-ee-thang-SALL-fuk-dup.

Finally, after my day of Resident Evil 5, I had an awesome and intense zombie apocalypse dream that was actually a sequel to an earlier zombie apocalypse dream. It involved a secluded lodge house in the woods near a small town with an underground...something...that was causing all the zombie stuff. Aside from regular zombies, there were also huge Lovecraftian mutations running around as well. Utterly horrifying and extremely exhilarating. One part I remember very clearly was sneaking around inside the lodge house and slowly closing the blinds and locking the doors and windows so no zombies saw the people inside. It was during the day and very intense. Then, while making sure everything was shuttered, I saw a massive creature swimming in the river behind the house, something very much like Cthulhu, but more squid-like. If could just plug my brain into my PS3, I'd be the best survival horror game designer in the world.

And my fingers have just stopped working.