End of the Month Music Bitchfest - August 2012

Nine Inch Nails
A photo of Mariqueen was posted on the HTDA tumblr page.
*slow, unimpressed jerking off motion*

And, as for Nine Inch Nails, I have decided to chart their upcoming releases.
The objective of this task is triune in nature; first, it is to mock the general malaise of unproductivity NIN fans have suffered this year (or, since there has been no "new Nine Inch Nails music" since 2008, these past four years), second, it is to make myself feel better when/if any of these releases actually come out before their absurd and fabricated release dates, and, third, it is to point out to Trent (who, as I have mentioned countless times before, is a ravid* follower of this blog) just how silly he is when it comes to releasing material.

Project Title	Release Date
Theme for “Black Ops II”	November 13th, 2012
How To Destroy Angels LP	December 31st, 2012
The Fragile: 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition	September 22nd, 2015
Follow up to Year Zero, tentatively titled Year Zero II	November 28th, 2017
Follow up to Ghosts I-IV, tentatively titled Ghosts V-VIII	January 12th, 2021
Return to touring	February 20th, 2021
Second retirement from touring	January 6th, 2022
With Teeth: 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition	May 13th, 2025
Tapeworm triple album**	July 2nd, 2030

Note: This list does not include the various remixes and guest appearances and production jobs Reznor will take on between now and July, 2030, the total of which will be six. 

While in the midst of typing these absurd release dates, I realized that they aren't actually that absurd. Which is heart-dentingly sad and the reason that I have four other favorite bands...

Beck
FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU.
Less than one percent of me laughed my ass off at myself when I saw this.***
"Well, you wanted a new Beck album...BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!".
When did wanting one of my favorite artists to create and release new, original music that I can listen to become like wishing for something on a goddamn monkey's paw? Do I really need to specify that I want my favorite bands to record albums that contain full length songs in a format that requires nothing but headphones and a small device on which to play them?!
Well, apparently I do.
I actually got rather hot debating this whole Song Reader bullshit with Chris a few weeks ago.
She thinks it's a great evolution for Beck as an artist and as a musician.
She thinks it's wonderful that he's just putting this out there for others to interpret and do with what they will, bringing their own special something to his music.
I...feel differently.
I don't want a bunch of Beck fans playing and recording this as some sort of cover/tribute album that fell out of the timestream because it won't be a Beck album. It will be Beck's music played by other people.
And, as much as I enjoy Charlotte Gainsbourgh singing songs written by Beck, I would gladly seal her in a barrel of formaldehyde and drop it out of a blimp if that meant him recording and releasing his own work.
 Chris compared this shift to David Lynch not having written and directed a film in six years and to how he's been branching out and producing things, opening elite clubs in France, recording music and a bunch of other stuff that is decidedly not writing and/or directing films.
Guess what...I haven't really given a shit about anything Lynch has done in the past six years...because he hasn't been writing and/or directing films...which is what he excels at.
Have you heard his album? It's a bad joke told by a clown having a nightmare and a bowle movement at the same time.
Chris also compared this to Reznor releasing the multi-tracks for his music and, while I see her point, he didn't just hand you a bunch of paper with notes on it, he released the finished product then said, "Here's how I did it and what I used to do it, now it's your turn." With Reznor, there was always a point of reference, a "right way". With this? Well, what are the chances that your interpretation of "a funky keyboard solo" is going to be anything NEAR as funky as Beck's funky keyboard solo?
Zero.
The chances are zero.
Rage!
Bottom line, then I'll move on: as an artist, Beck wins. This is an ingenious idea that will be awesome for a very, very small percentage of his fans, but, as someone making music for people that like to listen to and enjoy his music, this is a pretty big fuck you. Jesus, it's almost like he's trolling his own fans!
"You want a new album? Make it yourself, I'm too busy being an artist rather than making art."
And, for that, Beck, I say fuck you and fuck you and fuck you.
The only way he can make this shitty dickslap better is if, after a few months of letting this sit there and piss me off, he fucking records it himself and releases it.
Hey, maybe he can put the CD in that wonderful fucking book of magical and useless sheet music.

Luckily, not every piece of Beck related news this month was as infuriating as having someone piss in my face while rubbing the diarrhea of a rapist in my hair.
On August 7th, the PS3 and PS Vita game Sound Shapes was released.
It contains three...I don't want to say songs by Beck...more like three sketches of songs.
I'm only saying this because there aren't verses and all that, more like...oh, just watch the videos.
The first song/level, "Cities" has a bass line reminiscent of "Cellphone's Dead", but manages to be its own awesome creation, the second "Touch The People" is less a b-side from Midnite Vultures, and more like a c-side, it is fucking weird, and, the third, "Spiral Staircase" is just pitch perfect Beck.
I've found myself playing his levels again and again, just to hear his music.
And, although this is a perfect vehicle for some experimental Beck tunes, I'd gladly buy a "Cities" EP to have these tracks with me wherever I go.
This was a great project for Beck to take part in.
*sigh*
You know, I might just stop checking in with Beck until he gets back to doing the things I give a shit about.
I told you that he was designing sunglasses there for a while, right?
Sunglasses.
Designing them.

Cake
Cake played a show in Brooklyn on the 10th (come on, guys, isn't that a bit on the nose...?).
It contained no new music and no news of upcoming new music.

Eels
It's now been over a year since anything relating to Eels was posted on their official web site.
So.
Yeah.
Nothing good about that.
But...

They Might Be Giants
Oh thank fucking Christ, some rock solid good news.
In the last ten days, I have received both my custom ringtone (custom...as in Flansburgh sings my name and tells me to answer my phone...) and my IFC Super President package including a huge IFC coin featuring a three-eyed FDR, some brand new and exclusive TMBG tracks on two 7" vinyls and a membership card. On said card, one can record their height, name...and nickname. I don't actually have a nickname, so I asked Flans to give me one.
My new nickname is Bunkie.
Thank you, Mr. Flansburgh.
And thank you, They Might Be Giants Instant Fan Club for keeping my faith alive during this odd, simultaneous hiatus of my favorite bands.


AND in even more rock solid good news, on August 14th, Chris Vrenna finally dropped some Tweaker on us!
The next and final Tweaker album, call the time eternity, is set for release on October 23rd.
We have artwork, track list AND clips from each of its eleven songs.
This is going to be a lot darker than the previous two Tweaker albums.
Check it out here.

In less than two weeks, Love This Giant, the David Byrne/St. Vincent team up album will be out, and, well, it's going to be really good. I know that's presumptuous, but, come on, St. Vincent and David Byrne made an album...together...that's fucking awesome.

In more...I don't know...less interesting music news, both Garbage and Marilyn Manson released new music videos this month.
Garbage, for their excellent new single "Big Bright World" and Manson for one of the not-entirely-shitty tracks of his new "effort", "Slow-Mo-Tion".
The video for "Big Bright World" isn't as good as the song and should have starred the band flying around in the TARDIS with Matt Smith, and maybe some back and forth between Karen Gillan and Shirley Manson, as they are the two hottest and most talented Scottish redheads in show business right now.
The video for "Slow-Mo-Tion"...well, it has a lot of interesting uses of fluorescent paint, some weird non-narrative/narrative thread involving crazy light goggles and shooting people from a rooftop which Manson will probably forget about and abandon...now, naked boobs (wow, Marilyn, boobs. Haven't seen those since Jesus invented them...) and yet another bunch of scenes with Manson holding a guitar and looking like he's about to play it, but never actually playing it. Maybe he forgot what it does?

While I haven't been overlistening to anything, I did just get my new Audio Technica M50 headphones and I've been listening to old standards (read: Nine Inch Nails) with them.
Major drawback: they don't block out nearly as much sound as my beautiful Sennheiser HD 280's (I refuse to call them "Sennies" as I'm not a studio tech from the 90's), plus some vocals tend to get swallowed up by the surrounding music.
The bass is much better though and a lot of stuff sounds fuller and better spread out in the sound field.
At the moment, the Sennies**** are still God, but I will do my best to put more time in with the M50's.
Really bummed about the noise...

Okay.
Be free.
Make noise.








* Rabid + avid = ravid

** This is totally funny if you get the reference, and, if not, it'll make about as much sense as the rest of my gibbering

*** The rest of me boraded a school bus full of special needs children, screamed until I shit myself bloody, then dove out the window crying

**** I lied.

Alaska: You Are My Heart

Ooooooh! That sounds po-etic!
I'm thinking of putting together a little video slideshow....whoa...just typing those words made me uninterested in this.
Okay, maybe I won't put together a little video slideshow.
I mean...if you went to Alaska and posted pictures, would I want to see them? Even if they were set to "North To Alaska" by Johnny Horton?
I'm going to be honest with you and say, "No. I would not."
Let me think for a moment (tough, as my sleep recently has been...scattered) if there are any pictures that aren't of me in front of some building you've never been to/won't ever be to or of just a mountain or river (both subjects which, to my limited knowledge in the field of photography, have been tackles at least a handful of times) or some other thing that you probably won't give a shit about as it does not contain naked boobs or butts...hm......not that I can think of...I mean, there is a picture of me dunking my head in a glacially cold waterfall and petting a fox named hance at the Alaska Zoo...but, other than those? Not really worth checking out. And a whole slideshow (ugh, it's that WORD) of just those pictures? Even set to "North To Alaska" by Johnny Horton? That no one is going to watch?
Well.
So, that won't happen.

In other, less Alaskan, more actory news, Jess, Phil and a bunch of other grapes shot another chunk of Unker & Psysia this morning, and plan to shoot more this Saturday.
Not sure when you'll see stuff from this, but things went pretty great and we got a lot of excellent stuff, including a gorgeous, shirtless man starring in one of the hottest awkward moments caught on film...or most awkward hot moments...no, the first one.
Totally hot. Totally awkward.
Plus, there's an excellent chalk drawing of a huge banana.
Oh the good times we have on the radio...

I'm tired.

Maybe more on this but probably not.

Chris and I are rewatching Firefly and getting angry about it's premature cancellation alllll over again.
Joss, now that you're recognized by the mainstream as a god, can you please do something to stick it up Fox's ass?

Thanks.

 Your friend,

Tired

I WON WEDNESDAY.

FUCKING TOOTH AND NAIL BUT I WON.

Behold my fucking battle!

I slept little, yes, FAR less than a normal would!

And then I awoke far too early for a human to function, but once I had awoken.
You know, I'm too tired for this faux artistry bullshit.

I had a booking at 10, an audition at noon and then another booking at 1.

My milk was sour so I enjoyed a breakfast of dry Cheerios.
Hey, guess what...fuck dry Cheerios.
And yes there are people starving in blah blah blah, but dry Cheerios are still fucking awful.

The first booking was yet another Comcast...or so I thought...
It turns out that they gave me a completely new script ushering in their completely new advertising angel, namely: "This is awesome."
Yes, Comcast's new thing is: this is awesome.

I got to say: "This is HBO/Showtime on Xfinity. This is awesome" about forty different ways.
And, honestly, it was awesome.
Partly because that was actually pretty funny (certainly compared to "unlock the best entertainment with HBO/Showtime on Xfinity") and partly because this might mean another year and a half of working with Digitas and going in once a month or so in order to exchange some of the golden honey that is my voice for cold, hard cash-fucking-money.

Then across town to the Uncomfortable Place to audition for a web video for the CDC.
I had to sign an NDA, but I can say that it was not not about the coming zombie plague outbreak and what one should do if bitten (hint: panic).
Man would it be cool to have the CDC on my resume.
I'm a big fan of their work in The Stand and The Walking Dead and Contagion.
Too bad things don't always turn out well for them...

Then, as I had just enough time to eat, I ATE.
Specifically a Chickacavo sandwich from Lenny's.
Yes, it's chicken and avocado.
Not just chicken and avocado.
There was bread too.
BREAD.

Then, as I still had twenty minutes to kill, I walked, very, very slowly to the Best Buy about half a block away and then, very, very slowly to the Blu-Rays where I picked up Hunger Games.

Then, onto my second booking of the day, a quick half hour at Bang for some Speakaboos stuff. I did one line as the giant that got overlooked last time, some more narrator stuff and then three little boy voices.
Oh, and a police radio dispatcher.
Actually, this was just heartwarming...so, the guy who had written the police dispatcher didn't really have a voice in mind, so I did a really standard "voice". After we'd done those lines, they asked if I wanted to try anything and I did this gruff, put upon, Brooklyn accented guy and they seemed to dig it.
When I got out, the guy who had written this character said he'd had nothing in mind for the voice, but that he loved me choice, and then, the creative director guy who I've worked with since this project started said, "Yeah, why would we give some normal guy to you? You always do the cool stuff."
And that felt great.
(pet the pretty show horse, brush him and give him honeyed oats)

Then I got home and had twenty minutes to scream at how I had no time to shower or nap, then I went to work.

Thusly: I have won Wednesday.

But...what could be next for me?

Well, at four o'clock Thursday morning (in about seven hours) Chris and I have to go to the airport to fly to Chicago (2.5 hours) and then to Alaska (5.5 hours).
So.
Since I'm getting home no earlier than 11:30 and I have yet to pack ANYTHING for my five day trip, I am going to take it easy, maybe watch a little something, pack my bag, then around 2am or so, shower, dress and eat some food.
Then, off to the Great White Shark North.
That's right, I'm not sleeping.
Now, perhaps you're thinking, "Well, that shouldn't be too awful...you can always sleep on the plane..."
FUCK YOU, imaginary reader, I say, FUCK YOU.
I'm six feet eight inches tall and airplanes are made for people who are five feet one inches tall, so FUCK YOU, I say again, I will NOT be getting any sleep on the plane.
So HA!
HA!
Rather, I shall ascend to Alaska, like a drop of dew aloft a leaf, and there I shall bite the tits off God.

MMMMMAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE MMMMMYYYYYYYY CCRRREEMMMMMAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!

Crumb Bums

How was "crumb bums" ever an insult?
Does it imply that one is a bum who likes crumbs or perhaps that they are bums (hobos or tushies) ith crumbs on them?
Get me a literarian, statim!

Emotionally draining week. Rock and a hard place with my lovely lovely and it's neither of our faults. If only this magic bubble in which I exist made money and food and had just enough room for the two of us...
So that should be a massive pain in the soul to get figured out...

But, something that will prove a wonderful (if not permanent solution): I met with one Jess Howell this afternoon and, all you folks on spokes, Unker & Psyia is BACK! Or will be, over pretty much every weekend in September and October right up until Jess leaves for L.A. on November first.
I've just spent the past several hours writing and fleshing out scripts and sketches that we brainstormed this afternoon*, and, as always, the creation of original ideas felt glorious.
In recent years, I've realized that, while fun, references to other peoples' work can only be so enjoyable. The creation of ones' own, original thoughts, jokes, experiences etc. is beyond compare. And yes, I understand that nothing is truly original, but, fuck me for being immodest, I think I'm one of the most original people I know.
And I'll sing opera to a titmouse sleepy off cough syrup and lunch meat if you don't believe me.

Then there's this wedding which I'm not talking about.
Bottom line: by Thursday the 30th, I will no longer be complaining about it.
Bon?
Bon.

Next week looks to be a hairy one indeed...Monday should be just Monday, but Tuesday I'm meeting with Becca, Jesi and Jess to go over a script we're shooting in...a few weeks/a month/2012? that was conceptualized by Becca, written by Alan and their friend Mary Beth and starring me and the Ladies Three.
The writing is nice and snappy and it has massive comic/geek appeal so it should be pretty tasty...if we ever get to shoot it.
Then, Wednesday, I have two bookings in a matter of HOURS because I'm SO FUCKING TALENTED THAT MY SKILL IS JUST SEEPING OUT OF MY PORES LIKE BLOOD-- no, that's blood..
Hm.
Doctor's office!!!Yet another session for Comcast and a quick 15 minute pick-up session for Speakaboos.
The children are frightened of my Humpty Dumpty.
And then Thursday has me catching a 6:30 a.m. flight with Chris to Alaska...the Land of No Snow Even Though It's Fucking Alaska.
At least the polar bears should be easy to spot.

On my way to lunch, I passed the receiving entrance to the Hospital and saw the medical examiner rolling a body out into his truck.
Rattled me but good.
I need to sac up before this Zombie Apocalypse kicks into high gear or I'm corpse fodder.

Could there be anything else worth telling you about?
I'll let you know...


*I did so using Google Docs for the first time. And it sucked hard. Why is everyone jacking off over Google Docs? Yeesh.

That Ol' Mexicali Jambone

Some months ago, Christina and I were discussing movies we watched obsessively as children.
Eventually, the movie Cyborg (starring Jean Claude Van Damme, henceforth known as JCVD or Jesus Christ! Venereal Disease!) came up.
Apparently, her and her brothers would watch it over and over, and it was awesome.
I told her that, when I was younger, my best friend Simrall and I would constantly watch JCVD movies, specifically, Double Impact, the movie in which JCVD stars opposite JCVD (twins separated at birth) and they work together to kick some ass and talk funny.
So, we made a deal.
We watch Cyborg and then Double Impact.
But.
After watching Cyborg, life just..got in the way, and she never held up her end of the bargain to sit down and watch Double Impact.
A quick aside: neither of us was under the impression that these movies would hold up or even be watchable, understand? So there was an element of "why are we doing this to ourselves" to this whole thing.
Fast forward a few months to Chris waxing nostalgic about watching another movie endlessly with her brothers, namely, Best of the Best, starring Eric Roberts' hair and, for some odd reason, James Earl Jones (and Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs...what?).
I say that I'll gladly watch this but only if we watch BOTH Double Impact and Double Team, the movie in which JCVD teams up with, you guessed it,* Dennis Rodman, the gay basketball player who married Madonna thinking she was a rich man.
Why would I ever even know about this utter piece of shit, let alone want to watch it?
Because there is an element of punishment to this: we watched HER movie almost immediately after the deal was sealed and then didn't want mine until just last weekend.
Oh, and I know about this because my old friend, Angela, had a major boner for Dennis Rodman and wanted to see him with his shirt off so we saw it in theaters.
Anyway, all this to say that on Sunday, Chris and I watched Best of the Best and Double lmpact back to back.

Best of the Best had some amazing hair, surprisingly good dialogue, the worst music I've head in a movie in a while, and a bunch of unanswered questions such as: how is James Earl Jones (who didn't throw a punch once in the film) the coach of the United States Karate Team (which isn't a thing), why would one of the five "best of the best" be a forty something year old assembly line worker with an injured shoulder and another of the "best of the best" be a dirty fighting, overweight racist with, based on his performance, no formal training in anything more Eastern than eating Chinese food?
But, to think more on these questions and their unattainable answers would cause brain death, so let's move on to Double Impact.

You guys...this movie was a whole lot better than either Chris or I could have hoped for.
JCVD plays Chad AND! Alex, one was raised in L.A. and teaches yoga and likes pastels and is maybe six inches from being gay, while the other grew up in Hong Kong (another aside: "Hong" shows up in spell check, but not "Kong". Do we have a huge ape to thank for this?) and wears leather and smokes cigars and is mean. You actually get to see JCVD acting, and, like I said, it's actually pretty good.
That man is ripped in a way that makes men uncomfortable.
The bad guys die, the good guys don't, and, of course, JCVD fights JCVD.
JCVD wins...and so does the viewer.

Double Team arrives tonight from Netflix and everything will go downhill from there.

And before this magical day with my Beloved, I had a small group of REAL friends over to watch one of my favorite movies ever (Clue: The Movie, which, by the by, still, not only holds up, but standing highest among those in its genre) and (fucking finally) crack open my copy of Cards Against Humanity.
The wait was completely worth it.
I'm not going to try to explain its glory, I will just say this: if you love Apples to Apples and always give the green card to the person with the darkest, most fucked up noun/adjective combo, then this game was, literally, made with you in mind.
I will never play Apples to Apples in my home again unless it's with total strangers...and even then I may go with CAH, just to see what happens.
It's never felt so good to be horrible.

I believe this weekend is reserved for quiet reflection before Chris and I go to fucking Alaska for her fucking brother's beautiful fucking wedding.
It's going to be fucking magical, but, obviously, I'm complaining because I can't not.
I CAN'T NOT.
How can someone so miserable have snagged someone as glittering and sparkles and effervescent and just fucking unequalled in amazing awesomeness as Christina?
What's the gag?
Is she a man?
Am I in a coma?
Is it some mean prank?
Am I just a dolphin dreaming up this tall actor, shambling and sweating his way through this life he's constantly bitching about?

Hope I never find out, because this is awesome.







* You totally didn't guess it.

This Shit Isn't Worth $382.50

Remember that scary audition I had on Wednesday? With the Screaming Guy?
Turns out I got a callback for it.
For a voice over...for some mobile app...that only pays $450...before my manager's commission.
A callback.
I got there, crammed myself into the tiny ass booth (think half a TARDIS if it weren't bigger on the inside) and then picked up the copy.
Now, for those that don't know, I have some pretty awful problems with my vision.
In a nutshell, I can't see anything, nothing at all, out of my right eye and have something like 40% visibility in my left, which huge swatches obscured by scar tissue on my retina and macula.
Imagine disco static right in the center of your field of vision and scattered clouds of it throughout.
The font on the script was this bolded, crowded type and the light was appalling, we're talking maybe 40 watts.
I've been doing this professionally for almost ten years and I've dealt with situations like this before, I tend to hold the copy up as opposed to using the stand and I'll turn towards the light, no muss, no fuss.
But, between the font and the light, my read was sounding like shit, I was pausing and hitching and it was just not sounding good at all.
So Screamy (who has been totally cool thus far, no screaming or anything) gets on my headphones and says that he wants me to have a fair shake at this and what I'm doing is sounding stilted, is there anything they can do, print it out bigger or bring the mic out into the room (because my head is, literally, pressed against the ceiling of the booth if I stand up straight) or whatever.
I say that making things brighter or printing it out bigger would be perfect.
Everything is still fine, no screaming or anything, although I'm walking on eggshells because I know this guy is a fucking volcano and I do NOT want lava on me this early in the morning, but then, after trying to print this thing out on three different machines without luck, he's getting a bit haggard.
He says he can't get it to print out and then he turns on a lamp in the room I'm now standing in (he took the mic and stand and everything out of the booth and placed it in the middle of the room) and we try it again.
And of course it sounds like shit because of all this and it's still not bright enough and the font is still fucked and this guy is totally pissed about the printer and it's getting projected onto me for making him go through all this and as soon as I leave he's going to explode and kill everything and etc.

So, that was great and totally made me feel excellent for the rest of the day at no point during which did I want to sit in a dark room and weep softly into a lavender scented body pillow.
At all.
And all this for a callback.
For a voice over...for some mobile app...that only pays $450...before my manager's commission.

So. Much. Auditions. Part II

The week thus far:
ZEGNA, Rainbow Rewards, USAA Mobile App, Optimum
Sex mouth...with an Italian swoosh, huge super hero announcer voice, "that techy friend that we all have...but totally conversational", same as before but with less character.

Cutting right to the bullshit: while in the booth with the other guy in the spot, the client (guy representing Rainbow Rewards), who had shown up 20 minutes late to his OWN audition therefore delaying the room full of actors about 45 minutes, says, out loud with the studio mic open, "Uh, his read was too slow", in a dismissive tone that said, "Yeah, we're not going to cast him."
Dude.
DUDE.
A. I'm right here and completely heard you say that and B. have me read the 30 second spot again, you wang, don't toss my shit out because I didn't read it fast enough.
Fucking. Unprofessional. Xmax.

Then, this morning's USAA audition, which was that worst kind of pap, had me talking about a mobile app for USAA (no idea what that us) in detail...but as if I were just having a conversation.
Yeah, no prob.
Hi, Bus Friend, I know I'm just this guy sitting next to you on a bus, but I see you have a mobile device and I'm pretty sure you'd like...no...LOVE to hear about an app that allows you to make business investments! You can download it and store it right next to Angry Birds!!!
So.
Nailed that one.

Then off to do the same audition I did last week, but in a different place and with less character.

Those last two took place today, the first alllll the way over on 11th and 25th in one of those studios that was totally someone's apartment.
I walked in and some guy told me to take a seat and to give him a holler when I was ready. I did so, and was taking a look at this totally natural script when he proceeded to make a super condescending phone call before hanging up and then screaming, "Jesus fucking Christ! Get your fucking head out of your ASS!"
I was going to say something like, "Sorry..." in a really small voice to try and defuse the situation, but this guy was maybe a little too intense for, you know, humor.
Think John Malkovich when he plays really angry.
That audition...did not go well...

Then, as I had an unexpected gulf of time between my second audition (Optimum- **fart noise**) and my Five Star Employee luncheon with the executive VP and director of development here at the Hospital*, I stopped by Midtown Comics to catch up on Walking Dead (WOO!) and The Boys (please be done soon). You know, I only go there a few times a year, but every time I do, I feel so at home. In the ten minutes or so I spent wandering around, I heard three different nerdy conversations that I could have totally weighed in on, and, while I was in line, I saw an MC employee cultivating a huge stack of basics to get this young kid further into comics. He knew and liked Hellboy and some other lighthearted demon thing, but had yet to see Avengers.
I don't know, the whole thing just warmed my heart and excited me: the stuff this kid has to look forward to...
I may have just witnessed the birth of a geek.
I also bought a Deadpool t-shirt that I'd been eyeing for a while on Think Geek.

Then, to my luncheon, which was just as awkward as you might imagine, although I did my best to stand out from the usual folks here as intelligent, well spoken, witty and devastatingly handsome.
Mission: accomplished.
Where are my pants?
**GRIN**

And now?
Well, I'm struggling to stay awake of course, what else?
Just received an e-mail that Comcast want me back in a few weeks from now, so that's shiny...
Hopefully one of these other auditions will pay off...but not the scary one...I did not like that, no sir.

All right.
I'm through.






*You never believe me when I say I'm good at my job when I do it...Will.

A review of Daniel Licht's "Silent Hill: Downpour" score

I have played every Silent Hill game in the series except for the latest, "Silent Hill: Downpour".
I have, however, listened to the score from the aforementioned "Silent Hill: Downpour".
And it's not a very good score for a Silent Hill game.

Up to this point in the series, every game has been scored by insane, Japanese soundtorturer, Akira Yamaoka. He has expressed fear, menace, decay, sickness, sadness, insanity and a whole bunch of other uncomfortable emotional states better than any other artist I have heard.
And he's done his best work without words.
So, when it was announced that he would not be involved with the latest Silent Hill game, I became understandably pensive.
The game was released on March 13th, 2012 and garnered unimpressed reviews, none of which really went into the music beyond commenting that it wasn't as good as Yamaoka's previous work, so I decided to check out the soundtrack.

The first thing that goes wrong happens about thirty seconds into the opening track, and that thing is Korn.
It was announced that they were to collaborate with Daniel Licht (Downpour's composer, who you may know from his work on other nightmarish survival-horror games such as...Showtime's Dexter) on the game's theme, titled, simply, "Silent Hill".
Kudos, Licht, way to make fans of the series hate you more than poison before having even heard a note of your work.
Korn, whose lead singer sounds like an asthmatic, twitchy teen on helium.
Korn, who covered Cameo's "Word Up".
Korn, who Silent Hill fans started a petition to get removed from this project.
They lend their "talents" to the first and only vocal track.
After that act of aggressive mediocrity, the rest of the album just kind of blurs together into a hazy sludge of mandolins (both tuned and detuned, played properly and improperly), vague attempts at unsettling choirs (which end up sounding like Danny Elfman's b-sides) and some chanting and droning which wasn't bad but that had been done better when Yamaoka was in charge.
There is some strong piano that hearkens back to the solid soundtracks of the earlier games and there are glimpses of some interesting programming, but they're covered up so quickly by the boring, typical orchestral tropes you've heard again and again in similar situations that they're almost not worth mentioning. That was one of the worst aspects of the score: you heard some good, faceted stuff, but then it was gone, which is almost worse than it not being there at all, because you know the potential is there, but they're just not exploring it.
Very frustrating.

A few tracks almost make an impression; namely, "Monastic Tendencies", in which the chanting and droning mentioned above work very well to create a dissonance which does a great job of rubbing your mind the wrong way, "Clowning Around With Monsters" (maybe one of the worst titles a song has ever been saddled with) has some chilling laughing/moaning that weaves in and out of itself, developing quite a disturbing atmosphere, and both "Welcome To Devil's Pit" and "Basement Fight"* start off with some really interesting sonic set-ups, only to be ruined by the well-tuned, well-played and completely banal orchestral elements that populate any and every bland horror experience you've ever had.

Aside from that block of four songs towards the back of the album (which only stand out because they're slightly less lackluster than the rest), this thing is a wash. Maybe I'll feel differently hearing it once some nightmare is chasing me down and trying to eat/rape my body and soul, but, who knows?
It's just too...whimsical. At times, it sounds like it's music from some kids' mystery movie, maybe with a haunted house that turns out to be Eddie Murphy in a fat suit who, as we learn in the third act, is just lonely...not scary.
Yamaoka created sounds that were not of this world while Licht is just trying to make mundane instrumentation sound less mundane.
AND HE IS OVERUSING THE MANDOLIN TO THE POINT OF PARODY.
It doesn't matter how much you try to shove it down our ears, Daniel, the mandolin is not as versatile as you think or want it to be.

Look, it isn't bad, but it certainly isn't Silent Hill. This music would fit nicely in a horror movie...maybe the new Silent Hill movie, but it just doesn't capture the darkness and despair and delirium of playing Silent Hill. Music for the game needs to be more engrossing and terrifying. It needs to be the aural counterpart to what we're seeing and experiencing. I know this is a cop out for me, but, after their work on the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score, I'd love to see Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross take a crack at Silent Hill**.
In the end, Licht removed the signature from the degenerate, mad art that is Silent Hill, and that is unforgivable.








*So I guess there's going to be a fight in a basement. Hellooo? Spoilers?
** Listen to "Perihelion" or "With The Flies" and then type up the petition...

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover and Pyramid Head

Jen Rock showed up Saturday after noon to finish Silent Hill 2 and attend a rooftop film festival themed around experimental films concerning agriculture with Chris.
I stayed at home and laughed about that idea for a few hours.
When they returned, we all watched the Neil Gaiman episode of Doctor Who, became angry that he's never going to write for Doctor Who again and then continued our playthrough.
That game has so much more backtracking and trial and error than I remember...which is why we used a walkthrough.
Time is money, folks.

After we finished the game (with the "Leave" ending...look it up if you really want to), Jen got back at me for making her play Silent Hill 2 by putting on one of her favorite movies, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, starring Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren. Also Tim Roth getting food poisoning and vomiting.
This is one of the darker movies I've seen in recent memory and I'll never be able to see Gambon as Dumbledore again.
Wow.
If you have Netflix, it's on streaming.
Add it, watch it and get ready to be bummed out by the dark things humans do.

I've also just started watching the Sarah Silverman Program and Super Hero Squad.
There are very few similarities.
Except for the AIDS jokes.
SHS is so...endearing...but so...stupid...I will either never watch it again or finish both seasons in a matter of days.
Stay tuned.
As for the SSP, once she stops relying on her, "Aren't I adorable?! Look, I just said something horrendous and offensive! Aren't I funny because I'm adorable and said something both horrendous and offensive???" and actually starts being funny, I can enjoy the show.
So far, my favorite line (from a cop who's seen it all) is: "I've seen things that'd make you crap a book on how to puke."
Nicely done.

This Saturday, I may have some people over to watch Clue (which comes out tomorrow on Blu Ray...with fucking NO special features whatsoever. Guys, LOOK at that fucking cast! You've got nothing?!) and play Cards Against Humanity, something I've been looking forward to for about a month.

Now, I am finished.

BEANCROCK.

Thank You, Gregarious And Helpful British Man!

As I was making my way to lunch this afternoon, I felt a flutter on my left shoulder.
I ignored it, as this is New York and I am a New Yorker, but then it came again, like a little bird trying to get my attention; perhaps to give me some seeds?
Now, although I tend to have a rather thunderous expression when my face is at rest and I am stomping around the city, as soon as it's "on" as it were, it's as animated as I am in casual conversation, which is to say: very.
I turned, eyebrows raised in polite inquiry and beheld a vital yet aged man.
I removed my huge, alienating headphones and said, "I'm sorry?"
Perhaps he wanted directions, he was carrying a camera around his neck...
But, as it turns out, he was delightfully British and wanted to know if I had ever heard of Audio Technica headphones as, he informed me, he judged from the Sennseiser HD 280's I was sporting, that I was into high(er) end audio equipment.
So, for a moment or two, I discussed headphones, the sounds of the city and topics of that ilk with this pleasant British gentleman in the middle of the sidewalk on Madison Avenue between 96th and 97th street.

Once I returned from lunch, I did a little digging and, lo and behold, the Audio Technica M50's (which are Audio Technica's answer to Sennheiser's HD 280's) seem to be much, much better than their Sennheiser counterpart.
So.
I'm going to shop around and see if I can find me a pair of M50's in order to experience the difference (quite drastic, if the dozen or so reviews are accurate) between the two.
So I say, "Thank you, gregarious and helpful British man! Thank you and thank you and thank you once again!"

So. Much. Auditions.

Playskool, Optimum, Cavalli, Virgin Mobile.
High energy and excited, straight shooter- think Nick Offerman, masculine and sexy, investigative journalist- think Walter Cronkite.
THAT was my week.
Can I share with you how happy I am that none of these were speced with that ol' industry shitsicle* "friendly...not announcery...with the hint of a smile..." ?
Very, I'm very happy.
Also a bit fatigued from all the voicey mouth talking.

At some point, I'm going to write something about how funny it is that it isn't the whole of Total Recall that's based on the Philip K. Dick short "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" (which is almost as bad a title as "Philip K. Dick"), but rather the first twelve minutes.
Makes me curious to see if the new movie is a remake of the 1990 version or what.
Here's hoping there aren't any puppetcheasts *SHUDDER*.

I might also talk about how enjoyable the, sadly short-lived, Spider-Man animated show from 2003 is (once you get past the futuristic gay club music tin which the whole series is basted), especially when directly compared to the show from the mid to late 90's. Man, was that writing shit. Although the final episode, in which Spider-Man meets Stan Lee as Stan Lee was pretty fanboytastic.

One thing is for goddamn sure...there will soon be a fiery, bile-soaked, hate-drizzled fuckrant aimed directly at Halle Berry Vad Actress.
I just found out that she is going to be a lead in the "Cloud Atlas" film adaptation.
Only Christina can express how upset I was.
I actually had a tantrum.
Then, poor girl, she tried to ameliorate the situation by saying, "If it makes you feel any better, they styled her really well," at which point I unleashed the most sarcasm I've ever produced at one time on one person.
I then saved myself a swift punch in the face but informing her of that fact and asking if she were all right.
Fucking Halle Berry.
SHE'S NOT AN ACTRESS.
Ugh.
No.
Save your hate for later.

Something is happening this weekend, but I have no idea what.
It might involve Doctor Who or the new Spider-Man movie or finishing Silent Hill 2 with J Rock, but I honestly have no idea.

I may also have a Clue/Cards Against Humanity thing next weekend.
These cards are burning a hole in my games hutch.
Games. Hutch.
Hutch.

Then I'm going to god damn Alaska for a wedding.
I plan to embrace and then be mauled by a bear.
I may also steal a puffin, if I see one and can lure it to my person.

Meanwhile, I continue to sweat profusely at all times.
I haven't been in my bedroom for more than five minutes in over a month and will continue to live in my living room until THE SUN FUCKING CUTS OUT THIS BULLSHIT.

All right.
Go now, and know that I am uncomfortable.












* Yeah, a Popsicle made of shit, you got it.